This Is How It Goes

"But, it just used to be so simple. Right, wrong. Good, bad. You remember?" Buffy asked plaintively.

"Uh, no, not really," Willow said, frowning. "Would this be before or after your vampire with a soul boyfriend lost aforementioned soul and began ravaging the town? Or maybe when I got my own brand spanking new boyfriend who happens to try to eat me once a month? Or when Xander started dating Cordelia?" Willow paused. "Actually, that last one isn't even morally ambiguous. It's just wrong."

Willow shook her head and continued. "My point being that nothing's simple. There are very few things in this world that can be just plopped into one of those categories. You and Angel, you guys pretty much span the entire spectrum."

"Yeah, we're extra special like that," Buffy muttered unhappily.

"I don't blame you for wanting to keep him a secret. You were confused and torn and I myself am familiar with the less than logical feelings that guys can bring out. But I trust you, Buffy. And whatever poopy-head things came out of Xander's big mouth today, he trusts you too."

Buffy smiled weakly.

"Anyways, what are you standing around talking to me for? You have a temperamental, emotionally stunted Slayer to woo. Go woo." Willow pointed at the door.

Buffy blinked and then sighed. "Right. Because my self-esteem just hasn't been obliterated enough."

Willow gave her a sympathetic smile. Buffy took a deep breath and, after squeezing her friend's hand one more time, she walked out the school door.

~ — ~ — ~

Buffy strode purposefully towards Faith's little motel. What was she expecting? Anger, denial, indifference? Did she even truly know that this would bother Faith? Did she imagine all those little moments of exposed tenderness, of gentle touches and deep brown eyes? And then, if not, if there actually was something between them, or at least the potential for something, how would she explain Angel? There were too many if's, too many questions stampeding through Buffy's mind.

She suddenly found herself in front of Faith's door, in front of peeling paint and the unpleasant aroma of unwashed bodies and garbage. Why did she let Faith stay in this crappy motel, anyway? She shook her head. Focus on what you're going to say, she told herself. Maybe if she doesn't punch you or completely ignore you, you can invite her over for tea, crumpets, and sex that doesn't involve mausoleums.

Buffy took a deep breath and knocked. Her heart was pounding erratically as she heard shuffling behind the walls. It swung open and Faith stood there, looking coolly indifferent. Buffy realized she hadn't seen her in a painfully long time, and had an irrational and probably fatal urge to hug her. Faith's eyes narrowed slightly as she saw who it was.

"B," she said shortly.

"Uh, Faith," Buffy started uncertainly. "I — I just wanted to see how you were. Doing. After what happened. After you saw, uh, what happened."

Faith continued to look at her, slightly raising an eyebrow. "Five by five. Figured you and your little posse would want some time to work out the drama."

"Yeah, there was definite drama. And shouting and possible violence. I could see how you might wanna avoid that," Buffy said, keeping her voice light but staring at Faith intently, trying to see what emotions lay under the surface. There were several moments of silence following her awkward sentence.

"Did you want anything else, B?" Faith asked flatly.

"Yes," Buffy said, suddenly more resolute. "I wanted to say that I'm sorry. I didn't want you to find out about Angel like that. And I didn't want you to see ... what you saw."

Faith kept looking at her, her face neutral. "Whatever. You don't have to apologize. Not like we're best buds or anything. I don't expect you to tell me everything."

Buffy stared at her blankly. "What? Yes, we are, Faith. We're friends. I should have told you."

Faith laughed shortly. "Are we? I don't have friends, B. I got fuck buddies, potential fuck buddies and people that I wouldn't touch with a 10-foot pole. That's about it." There was a suppressed emotion underneath her voice that Buffy couldn't identify.

"You have me, Faith," she said quietly. "I know you don't trust me right now, but I want you to."

"Doin' a real good job convincing me of that," Faith said in a sardonic voice, head cocked.

"I know," Buffy said quietly, looking down. "I should have come clean. I — I just didn't know what to do. And I'm sorry you saw us like that, saw us ... kissing." She said the last part hesitantly.

"Why?" Faith narrowed her eyes, smirked at her. Buffy looked back at her apprehensively, and didn't know what to say. "`Cause you thought it would hurt me or some bullshit like that?" she continued harshly, smiling a twisted grin. "We screwed a couple of times, B. Doesn't mean we're getting married. I don't give a fuck who you sleep around with."

Buffy felt her something in the pit of her stomach wrench, and knew her face betrayed her emotions.

Faith gave another mirthless laugh, leaned casually against the door frame. "Sorry if I gave you the wrong impression, princess. I got horny, you were there. End of story."

Buffy stared at her, felt something inside her crumbling. "I was there?" she asked weakly. "That's it? We slept together because I was — what, the most convenient?"

"Pretty much," Faith said nonchalantly.

Buffy didn't trust herself to say anything else.

"Is that it? We done here?" Faith asked indifferently, and before Buffy could answer, she shut the door in her face.

Buffy stood there, staring at the closed door for several moments. She felt like her heart was shattering into tiny little pieces. Her stomach was trembling, her hands closing into fists. She didn't want to start crying. It felt as though that's all she had been doing. She needed to keep it together. Faith had told her, pretty bluntly, that nothing was there. She had to accept that, Buffy told herself firmly, and her heart continued to splinter.

She began to turn around and walk away, but suddenly froze. She could hear something, muffled and faint behind the door in front of her. Buffy walked closer, carefully, noiselessly, and softly pressed her ear up against the door. She bit her lip, hard enough to draw blood, as she realized what she was hearing.

Crying. Faith was crying. Sobbing, actually. She heard her taking deep, shaking breaths, trying to repress each sob before it came through. She heard cries, raw and hoarse, ripped from Faith's throat, and the emotional nudity of them felt like a punch to the stomach. Buffy heard a loud thump and thought that Faith had just put her fist through the wall. She thought her heart had been breaking before, but that was nothing compared to what it was doing now.

She had never felt so helpless in her entire life. She had never felt such self-loathing, either. Nothing she could say to Faith right now would make any difference. Nothing she could say would convince Faith that she cared about her, that she made a horrendous mistake and was sorry. The emotions inside of Buffy had no outlet, and she felt them and their uselessness acutely. God, what had she done? She had pushed Faith that much deeper inside her carefully constructed persona, the girl who doesn't need anyone else, who thinks she rises above, who sees relationships as simple avenues for power. She had just proved all of her cynical assumptions.

There would have been something, Buffy was sure of it. If Angel hadn't ... if she hadn't kept him a secret, was truthful, there could have been something eventually. It would have been a long time coming, she didn't fool herself. Faith didn't give things up easily. Before this, they had existed in that middle state, between friends and something more. Buffy had pushed it out, forced Faith to confront it much too early, and she had lost something important. There was such a painful instability to Faith, such a precarious, coiled energy. It hurt Buffy to look at her, and see those uncertainties manifest, see how impetuous she was, how dangerously insouciant.

Buffy stood listening at the door for several minutes, hearing Faith taking huge, gulping breaths of air before breaking down again. She heard another thump, softer this time, and imagined Faith sliding down her bed to the floor. Buffy felt sick. She walked away quietly and tried to ignore the fierce lurching in her stomach.

Chapter 10: There's This Bridge and a Whole Lot of Water

Author's Notes:

Buffy needed to talk to someone. She went to school the next day looking like she had just rolled out of a movie about junkie insomniacs. She needed a different perspective, or advice, or just something else to think about.

She saw Xander in the hallway, getting books out of his locker, and hesitated. Buffy took a deep breath and experienced an unpleasant moment of dИjЮ vu, flashing back to preparing herself before knocking on Faith's door. Hoping the outcome of this confrontation would be slightly better, she walked up to him. He turned around and looked at her steadily.

"Hey," she said quietly.

He nodded in a silent greeting.

"I need to apologize to you. I should have told you. I shouldn't have gone all Buffy-general and made the decision myself. You were right," she said firmly.

Xander looked down at his shoes for several moments and then glanced up, his eyes soft.

"Yeah. I'm sorry too, Buff. I was being an ass yesterday. You didn't deserve the things I said." He sighed. "Just — hearing he was back, I got a little crazy."

Buffy smiled. "Think I'm a little familiar with that arena. Angel kinda turns my head into illogical mush. Usually doesn't turn out too well."

They looked at each other in silent acknowledgment and forgiveness, and began walking down the hall.

"So. You look terrible. Do you not understand the whole `doctor-recommended 8 hours of sleep' thing?" he asked, looking at her with a concerned expression.

"I just couldn't get to sleep. Thinking too much about things. You guys and Angel and ... other stuff."

"Yeah, what is Angel gonna do anyways?" Xander asked, his voice carefully neutral.

Buffy glanced at him sideways. "He doesn't know yet. He might be going somewhere else, actually. Not staying here."

Xander looked surprised. "Thought you guys would be getting with the non-pelvic snuggling. Epic Shakespearean love and all."

"You ever notice how all the couples in those plays die, or poison themselves, or suffer some other horrible fate?" Buffy asked.

"Well, not a great analogy then."

"Actually, it's probably appropriate. I — I don't think Angel and I can work. There's this bridge and a whole lot of water, and it's too dangerous, and too painful, and too, uh, abstinent."

Xander grinned at her. "Red-blooded woman like yourself can't be expected to squash those natural urges."

She smacked him. "Not exactly what I meant. Abstinent in general. We would have to be so ... cautious. About everything. Sunlight, sex, wooden objects, getting too emotional, alarm clocks -"

Xander gave her a curious look.

"We keep different hours — side effect of the creature of the night thing," Buffy explained. "Alarm clocks and I have never had a very positive relationship anyway."

"Ah, yes. Who needs doomed love when you can have tumultuous affairs with electrical objects?" Xander said, putting his hand over his heart and gazing into the distance.

Buffy paused. "That could be taken completely wrong." She caught herself and added hastily, "If your mind went to perverted places that my mind never goes near."

"My mind can swim those murky waters enough for both of us."

Buffy glanced at him, inwardly took a deep breath. "Also, I — uh, I might have someone else."

Xander gave her a knowing look. "Scott, huh? He's a little ratty, don't you think? Kind of small and twitchy." He demonstrated by wiggling his fingers in front of his face.

"Yeah, he's a little rat-like, but no, it's not him," she said nervously. They continued walking, Buffy trying to desperately snatch at the last vestiges of her courage.

"Well don't keep me in the dark here, Buff," Xander said finally. "Who's the lucky guy that's stolen your heart from tall, dark, and sun-deprived?"

"It's Faith," she said quickly and very, very quietly.

Xander raised an eyebrow, looking confused. "Unless the threshold for normal hearing just plummeted, you're gonna need to speak a little louder."

"Faith," she said, and realized it had come out far too loudly as several people turned around and looked at her.

Xander stopped walking completely. He was staring at her.

"Um, I may have fallen asleep and started dreaming inappropriate dreams. Did you just say `Faith'?"

"Maybe," Buffy said anxiously.

"Faith as in Faith? As in another girl with girly parts? As in naughty touching?" His voice had reached a high-pitched, slightly hysterical tone.

Buffy looked around wildly, seeing more people turning around curiously. She grabbed Xander's forearm roughly and dragged him into an empty classroom.

"Okay, if you're done with the teenage boy theatrics, could you stop mentally masturbating and listen to me?" she whispered fiercely.

Xander shook his head violently. "Yeah, I'm here. Wait, hold on a sec." He looked off for several seconds, then snapped his head back. "Okay, back, here for good, fully prepared to be the sensitive and caring friend."

Buffy glared at him. "Good." She glanced away and started pacing around the classroom, wringing her hands.

"I hurt her," she said abruptly. "She's all with the nonchalance and `I don't need people or human interactions or anything resembling normal emotions,' but I heard her — she was crying." She looked at Xander desperately.

"I hurt her." Buffy felt as if the hole in her chest just reappeared. "I hurt her and it makes me feel like throwing up. I mean, I made Faith cry. That's — that's like against all the laws of God and man. It's like if Oz just up and became one of those cheesy motivational speakers, or — or joined the cast of Rent."

She ran a hand through her hair distractedly. "We had — well, not a relationship, but maybe something that could have become a relationship. More than just screwing after patrolling, you know?"

Xander's eyes became abnormally large, but he held his hormones in check.

"And then she saw Angel and me kissing. And I confronted her and she shut me down completely." Her mouth grew tight as she made a cutting hand motion. "All, `I don't care about you, I got horny, you were there,' Faith avoidy denial stuff. But, we had these moments. These moments where she looked at me and that other Faith was gone and it was just her. And I knew — I knew she felt something." Buffy stopped pacing and stared at Xander plaintively. "I made her go back into that shell. I just crushed all those hopes of whatever we could have had."