This Is How It Goes

Xander looked at her firmly. "I think you're giving yourself too much credit, Buffy. Faith's been in that shell for a very long time. Maybe you were drawing her out, maybe not. Or maybe, whether or not there might have been something, she couldn't handle it." His eyes were gentle, concerned. "Maybe she just used this as an excuse to shut it down because she couldn't deal."

Buffy stared at him, her mind whirling. "Why the hell would she do that?" she yelled suddenly. "Doesn't she have normal people feelings? Doesn't she want something ever that's more than rough sex in cemeteries?"

"How rough?" Xander asked before he could help himself, and abruptly clapped a hand over his mouth. "Not the issue, obviously," he said, taking his hand gingerly away. "Faith is a rare and delicate creature, Buff. She's got this `too cool for school' image, but she's more fragile than any of us. If you think this can happen, she needs you to do it for her. Push until you cannot push anymore, and then keep pushing." He frowned. "There's a really obvious joke involving bathroom humor in there, but I ain't touching it."

Buffy looked at him in mild shock. "Apart from that last part — how did you get so sensitive and observant?"

"It's one of my well-kept secrets. It would ruin my unflappable manly image if it got out." He gave her a lopsided smile.

She shook her head. "I don't know what I'd do without you and Wil."

"Probably regress into some sort of cave-Slayer." Xander grinned. "You know, grunt and hit people over the head with clubs. We keep you violent types civilized."

Buffy smiled with him and then glanced at the clock on the classroom wall. "Oh, crap. Because my life just doesn't suck enough right now without asymptotes," she grumbled as they opened the door and began walking down the hall again. "And, why exactly is that `p' silent? Did all the math nerds in the world just join a massive conspiracy against the English folk? Sort of a, `Ha, ha, you don't own us and anyway our language is more universal than yours' thing?"

"That's a distinct possibility. Have you seen the people in the math department? They're terrifying. Like warriors. I'd say that nerds are supposed to be more timid, but I saw that movie. A cornered nerd is a vengeful nerd," Xander said, shaking his head.

~ — ~ — ~

The next couple of weeks were a living hell for Buffy. While her relationships with Willow and Xander remained strong, there was a shaky tension between her and Giles. It physically hurt Buffy every time Giles said something to her a little harsher than he usually would, or gave her a look bordering on cold. She understood why. Giles had a more turbulent past with Angel than anyone else besides Buffy. Epic torturing, murdering of significant others in gruesome and merciless ways, threatening those he loved dearly. She knew it would take time, but he would forgive her.

Faith, however, was a completely different matter. They were still patrolling together, but much less frequently and with much more awkward silent tension. Buffy would try to make conversation, carefully keeping it within the shallow realm, but Faith would answer with monosyllabic, apathetic grunts. Buffy flashed on Xander's words about cave-Slayers and found them ironically applicable. On most nights, Faith would split after only twenty minutes of feet-shuffling and uncomfortable throat-clearing, and go to a different cemetery. If they did come across some undead citizens, one of them would mysteriously disappear after the slaying.

There were more than a few times that Buffy saw her at the Bronze, grinding with some random guy or girl and then hauling them off to a more private location. It made her heart feel like it had been put into a meat grinder, and she generally had to mumble some sort of excuse to Willow and Xander's concerned faces before running back home and trying desperately not to cry. She tried so hard to talk to Faith, to drag her back into the sphere of social interaction and casual banter, but Faith would barely even look at her. Buffy had no idea how she was going to make anything resembling progress in this Operation Mollify and Pursue Faith.

"I'm leaving soon," Angel said suddenly one Thursday afternoon.

Buffy stared at him, her hands tightening around the familiar paper bag. "What? Why?"

"Buffy," he said firmly, looking at with her soft eyes. "We both know you're the only reason I'm staying here. But I'm just confusing things. It's not good for either of us."

She felt her brain working frantically to come up with excuses. "But, no, it's good. No confusion. Confusion-free." Her voice squeaked at the end and she stared at him desperately. "We're friends, and I like you being here."

"We're not friends. We both want something that can't happen. And -" he paused, looking away from her. "It's painful to be around you."

Buffy felt her heart wrench.

"I don't mean to hurt you, Buffy. That's the last thing I want to do. But, me leaving is what we both need. You have a shot at a normal life here. You have a shot at a ... relatively normal relationship."

Buffy snorted, regaining her voice. "Yeah, normal." She looked at him plaintively. "My life will never be normal, Angel." She scrunched her face up in regret, guilt. "I'm just being selfish ... aren't I? I think you're right. I'm keeping you here when it's not fair for either of us. Having you here, it's just — reassuring."

She walked over to him. "I don't want to lose you again," Buffy said in a quiet, pained voice.

He looked at her, eyes bright. "You're not losing me. I'll be here when you need me." He turned his head away. "I'm not leaving today or tomorrow. I'm not sure exactly when, but I thought you should know."

"Where are you going?" she asked hesitantly.

"L.A.? Or maybe somewhere else that's not a blazing, sunny desert." The corners of his mouth turned up slightly. "I don't really tan well."

"Yeah, funny how they haven't made sun block for vampires yet. They could make a fortune."

Angel paused for a minute, turning around and walking away. "How — um, how's Faith?"

Buffy raised an eyebrow. "Impressive attempt at not caring." She sighed. "She'll barely look at me." She looked at him skeptically. "Angel, you don't want to hear about my relationship difficulties."

"Well, no, not really. But I do care if you're happy or not. Can — can she make you happy?"

"She can make me desperately unhappy. Does that count?" Buffy said, a little bitterly. "Who the hell knows? Maybe if she could pull her head out of her ass for more than two seconds, and see what's in front of her."

Angel gazed at her for several moments, a muscle twitching in his jaw. "Can I stop being all noble now?"

Buffy grinned. "Sure. Give into those petty jealousies, Angel. You're only hum — uh, you're only a centuries-old ensouled vampire. Embrace the small-mindedness of your humanity."

"I'll do my best." They looked at each other, feeling the fleeting nowness of the moment, its ephemeral quality.

Buffy felt acutely as if an era was ending. Angel. He had always been such a force in her life, had always taken up such a huge space in her mind, in her heart, in her gut. He was leaving, and she didn't want to face what would come without him. But he was right. They both knew it. There was too much baggage between them, too many obstacles to make any relationship work. But God, would she miss him. She stared at his face, trying to memorize it, trying to savor the deep, soft brown of his eyes, how his face transformed when he smiled.

"Will you tell me when you're leaving?" she asked in a small voice.

He nodded. "If you want me to."

"Yes, please."

"I, uh," Angel faltered a little, "I want to meet her."

Buffy stared at him. "Faith? You want to meet Faith?" she said, much louder than she had intended.

He nodded simply again.

"God, I can't see how that can go well." She glared at him. "Why would you wanna tempt the gods of accidental stakings?"

Angel shrugged, in a very human gesture that made him look young. "Curiosity? Embracing my petty jealousies?"

Buffy started laughing at the absurdity of the situation.

"My life makes `The Young and the Restless' look like an elderly knitting convention." She stopped laughing abruptly and looked at him suspiciously. "You aren't gonna go all psycho ex-boyfriend, are you? Special interrogation techniques that only a 240 year-old vampire would know? Threats of bodily harm?"

"No." He smiled a little. "Probably not."

Buffy ran her hand through her hair. "I don't even know how I'm going to orchestrate this. Faith won't even say full sentences to me." She paused, looking thoughtful. "Although, she always was pretty fascinated by you. Maybe I can lure her in with promises of Q and A sessions and pizza."

Angel looked apprehensively at her. "Q and A? As in questions and then me answering them? That sounds ... like a nightmare I once had."

Buffy smirked at him. "If you're really determined to have this little gathering, then I'd say you should keep your expectations low. Like, below sea level. Your expectations should live with seaweed and crabs and those little tasty shrimp they serve with butter and lemon," she said, miming squeezing a lemon wedge.

Angel looked at her stoically.

Chapter 11: Progress

Author's Notes: Seeing as how several of my readers expressed some impatience with the lack of Faith in the previous chapter, I decided to update a little earlier than I usually would. And also to reassure you that the next couple of chapters will be all about Buffy/Faith. So, enough of the intermission. Let the Fuffy drama recommence.

It was a Saturday night. Buffy and Faith were entering into another session of awkward pauses, silences, and tension of the cut-with-a-knife variety. Except for the fact that Faith seemed completely comfortable and only Buffy felt as if her insides were executing some complex gymnastics routine.

"Hey," Buffy said suddenly. "Did you see that special on Animal Planet about shrimp?"

Faith gave her a "are you fucking serious?" look. "My TV gets two channels, B."

"Oh, uh, right. `Course it does," she responded quietly, feeling like an inept moron.

They walked for several more minutes in silence, Buffy's mind desperately trying to come up with more inane conversation topics and break the oppressive non-talking. It was a semi-relief, then, when sounds of grunting, pounding, and cracking bones filtered through the still night and both of their heads snapped around. The two girls glanced at each other quickly and set off running. They came to the source of the sounds and skidded to a stop, looking lost.

There were two groups of vampires, fighting each other viciously. They didn't even notice the presence of the two Slayers. One of the groups was dressed impeccably — suits, ties, and shiny expensive shoes which were currently being put through stomachs. The other group was the typical motley group of vampires. The motley group was losing, badly. One of them broke free, stumbled, and ran off, looking terrified.

"Hey. Hey!" a well-dressed vampire yelled. He pointed at two of the others. "You two, go stake that little shit. The Mayor doesn't want any rogue vamps messing up his town." They ran off in hot pursuit.

Faith and Buffy looked at each other, stunned. "The Mayor?" Buffy mouthed incredulously.

"Maybe we should get out of here and tell Giles," Buffy whispered. "Before they notice -" she stopped talking as the winning group turned as one and saw them. "Us."

"Nice plan, B. Needs better execution," Faith said flatly.

The vampires growled menacingly and charged them. Buffy side-stepped one of them, kicking out with her foot and sending him to the ground. She was hit in the face by another, then kicked in the stomach. She fell, and quickly scrambled up as the vampires began to circle her.

"Slayer, huh?" one of them said contemptuously. He looked around at the group. "He'll be pleased that we took these two out before it gets serious."

"Oh, it's already serious, boys. I'd say you should tell the Mayor that, but in about twenty seconds communication without an Ouija board is gonna get real difficult," Buffy said brightly, looking around for an opening of attack.

She lunged at one of the vamps, elbowing him in the face and quickly following up with her stake. He dissolved and the other vamps were on her. She tried to shield her head as the blows came from every direction.

Buffy lashed out with her foot and felt it connect. She got her hand around a stake and brought it up, preparing to plunge it in the nearest undead chest, but one of them grasped her wrist and bent it back viciously. She cried out as she felt bones snap and pain shot up her arm.

"Buffy!" Faith yelled wildly.

Buffy heard her through a dim haze, still reeling. All of a sudden she couldn't move her arms. She whimpered in pain as her wrist was bent more and her arms pinned down. A vampire was approaching her almost lazily, enjoying the fear on her face. He stopped in front of her, grabbed her hair roughly and yanked it to the side, exposing her neck. She felt his teeth break skin, felt blood come rushing out, and then coughed as she inhaled his dust.

Faith was standing there, looking absolutely livid. She wrenched one of the vampires off of Buffy with a feral snarl and threw him savagely into a tree, kicking the other vampire in the chest. Stake out, plunging in twice and they were gone.

Buffy collapsed, shaking. She held her wrist to her chest gingerly, her face contorted in pain. Faith kneeled in front of her, her hands out uncertainly. She was looking frantically over Buffy's body, seeing the blood on her neck. Buffy looked into Faith's eyes and saw how furious and scared she was. Saw ... what? Tenderness? Faith almost looked like she was going to cry. The expression looked so alien on her face that Buffy forgot the searing pain for two seconds.

"Buffy? Are you okay?" Faith asked anxiously, her hands still hovering tentatively, as if she was afraid to touch her. Buffy had never heard her sound so young, so uncertain.

"Yeah," Buffy said through gritted teeth. "He bit me, and I think he broke my wrist. I — I need to go to the hospital. We can call Giles — he can drive us."

Faith gently put her hands on Buffy's elbows and lifted her up. Buffy grimaced, put her good hand on her neck to stop the flow of blood. They began to walk slowly to the cemetery entrance, Faith supporting her gently. Buffy could feel the other Slayers' hands shaking.

"Fuck, Buffy," Faith spat suddenly, and she sounded enraged. Buffy looked at her, shocked. "If you weren't bleeding all over the place, I'd smack the shit out of you. How could you be so stupid?"