I jumped to my feet and ran away from the castle, standing on the border of wooded Park, in the midst somewhere among the trees that hid a manhole to an underground passage on which you could go back in Василиху.
Smoke, rolling up from over the monastery began to curl and soon became tight and elastic tornado greedily вбирающим in itself гудящее flame and debris collapsing before the eyes of the castle. He spun faster and faster, higher and higher, going into the sky, and I could feel myself pulling him hurricane air flows гнущие and pluck of the earth with the root beside me standing trees.
Barely feet and clinging to the grass, leaning forward, I, barely moving, barely moved away, fearing that I would not leave.
Chapter 23.
Because the truth, the Light. — asked Marina to her friend.
-That's true? — She shook her head, listening to the question.
-Smoke — we can be, and passengers are not. True?
"Yeah, " agreed Light, stretching chanting the word.
This involuntarily disgusted me to this clumsy person. I finally realized that with her I can't do anything, and was thankful that it is so far everything in and out. I suddenly remembered that I have not connected with women, which was not loved. After Veronica I have not had anyone (the case of the woman in the train, — though I wished it was a dream, and tried his best to forget him, to smooth memories of him, interfered with that purity, that I have found my spirit since June we parted with it). Maybe I first touched such a concept, as a Platonic love, but now seems to be the fate pushed me to part with this piercing dreary and sweet-painful sense of anticipation without end. Sometimes circumstances are stronger than our will and desires.
Time passed slowly, and I lost him a bill. We drank a bottle and now only smoked. I was in that condition when faintness, appearing at excessive use of alcohol and cigarettes, passes and there comes a kind of trance, this amazing state when the head again brightened, and the brain works with clarity, close to лихорадочности, but the body, all of its members, leather lose sensitivity and relationship to the brain is almost full, and exist separately. Tobacco light seemed одубевшими and elastic, like the skin of a drum, but I knew that tomorrow they will be ill, and I start coughing. But what shall I do tomorrow? Until tomorrow, have to survive.
Anton sat opposite me, посверкивая excited eyes, gleaming in the dim light sconce above the shelves. In a dark window as ghosts reflected our shape and order the empty table. I was no longer wanted, even sleep was like I had slept for a hundred years and that was dangerous state of indifference, because that in it man is able to accept any, most rashal decision, starting with the fact that impose on the arm, and ending with the fact that kill, to Rob, or even offend and humiliate someone else, just to feel again, feel that he is afraid of something and something wishes. Anemia feelings is a dangerous disease.
In conversations, I participated in so far as it was necessary at least to campaign not broken at all. Light constantly said nothing, but just a little nod and unclear smiled ugly mouth. It was not haughty smile of the person owning the situation, witness its development and предугадывающего each step ahead, but it was not an expression of embarrassment. It meant nothing, that smile, and if his lips a man all the same participate in the expression of his thoughts, these, припухлые and shapeless. Impressed with your stupid безмыслием.
Meanwhile, my friend not waste his time. And if the Light still does not concern my close position on the opposite shelf lively happened convergence. Anton whispered something in the ear of a Marina, clasping her hand around the waist and attracting to themselves closer and closer, and I knew there everything is predetermined. It seemed strange to me that this girl, the day the former the severity, and now constitute the opposite still appearance. It was already absolutely other woman, not very strict and inaccessible означавшая of their appearance presence of law and order in the small world of the car, and funny, cheeky and ready to do anything — at least so it seemed. Such a change could surprise and more seasoned and old bachelor and повесу than I.
Marina was lively, something talked incessantly, sometimes stopped suddenly, staring at Anton close and almost loving gaze.
"Did she lie to bed with him?" "I thought, although the response was familiar to me. Now I'd be stunned if this did not happen: the plot was developing a long-known, thumb groove, and I was just wondering: when and how this happens.
All happened without any transition. Marina stood behind her rose Anton, буркнув something like: "we Must go and smoke!", leaned over to my ear and whispered: "Come on, man, I went with the one and you're the girl borrow".
We were alone with Sveta. Subject to the circumstances, just a marionette, driven by somebody else, I locked the coupe and I sat in front Lights, situated on the side, cross-legged, on another shelf. Now, she appeared before my eyes in all its forms too full body, incorrect distributes a figure which could not hide even the folds of the clothing. Thinking to herself what to do with it, with the "sex bomb", or waiting for me to do something, or not indifferent to the entire male kin because of their immaturity, written in глуповатом face, I started from afar, and suddenly it became clear that it is not so not talkative, and at the age of my mistake was seven years: she was only eighteen against those twenty-five minimum of years that would suggest.
Light was a student of the Institute. Studying her discourse little and therefore went wrong — I began to wonder what she is interested in, in this case. An attendant, she worked in summer, in practice, but now he liked her a ride, and remained still, and now thinks hold out until the winter and already knows to go back now, in General, in school, or throw the hell out of there.
The conversation went on about how boring to sit at home, that there every day the same, and here new faces, people are constantly changing, and it is interesting. In her words, the boredom, I felt a hint, thin and transparent, which is usually used by women for rapprochement, but she caught her gaze, then realized that it is straightforward and sincere in his statements, and the trick is unknown her heavy, awkward, clumsy nature.
With relief I perked up in his interview with Sveta, realizing that this only our communication with it and stop. The thought as I touch its members its bold, loose, pale, formless naked body, at times faintness подкатывалась from somewhere in the depths to the surface, and I drove away delusional vision, мучавшие me slow torture. Besides thinking about what I would say to Anton, when he come in and seen there was nothing, not given now rest. After all, whatever you say and how not to make excuses, it was a real man's shame. And if it was his first danger somehow pushed me to take action, now, on the contrary, she seemed to enchain me ice hoops, студила blood, and immobility is now the highest good. Perhaps, it was the influence of my "partners"?
In the coupe someone tried to enter two times jerked the handle of the castle. I opened. On the threshold stood Anton with a cigarette in his mouth, and, as it seemed, an angry expression. he tried to light a cigarette, been working on matches, and they broke one after the other, not having time to catch fire. I flashed a weak hope, that they couldn't manage it, and I walked down the hallway to spill over with him two, and the other phrases.
-Well, what?
Anton grimaced with disgust, and his nose bent arc. Was involuntarily feeling that his forced to eat jellyfish:
Baabe nineteen years, and belly hanging bag! Phew!!!
His disgust and frowned, then they looked at me, looking from top to bottom with a sense of superiority. — And you, I see nothing happened?
His tone was mocking, but I am still confused. I was ashamed to justify himself:
-Yes, you know, I kind tear wants, and not what...
Marina is also not a fountain, " agreed Anton, " but still better than the cow. I felt for you in advance, but in vain.
-Oh Yes, — inside all was relieved from his приятельского participation and understanding. In a second I was filled with gratitude to this almost unknown, but such кампанейскому, simple and понятливому guy, my mate. Now I was ready to go with him to the edge of the world and even to obey him, — so was fulfilled my heart of gratitude. "It's like, all right?
-In the order. Now I'm behind you could trade places with Marina.
"You what?!" — Only and could be appalled at myself, not venturing to scream it out. . that suggested Anton, not fit in my head. Yes and special lust and thirst women I have not experienced. On the contrary, in this moment of deep calm and blind indifference to the opposite sex filled my whole being, and out of those dozens of thoughts, and simultaneously were born and existed in my mind about that, bed, shared with a woman, it was impossible to find a single one.
"No, Anton. Why?
But it seemed to be already awakened a desire to redeem their advantage in the success, and the sense of moral discomfort had plagued him, and caused him to action:
-Why are you lost? What is there in this?
-Well, what was wrong: first you and then I?
-What is this? Think Eka wonder. I agree with that, " he nodded to the compartment where alone remained of the Light, and I have nothing would have happened, but nothing, now with Marina tryin...
-What are you?! — I had a feeling that I, as a bull, operate on случку with girl without even asking, whether that my soul for the simple reason that the animal soul is. But I have a soul was, and what mating now not want to.
-And what? Everything will be fine. Now, wait, he went to the head of the car and disappeared in полукупе, where, apparently, was still Marina.
I was still standing at the window in an empty hallway fallen asleep, Pacific wagon, peaceful sleep which was broken only by our torments, was now not knowing what to do to me and how I behave. There was no clues to smoothly, not bending the stick out of the game, and I continued to like on the very edge of the precipice, describing a steep arc, and at any moment I could not stay on the cutting edge of this dizzying turn, but the most unpleasant was that I didn't choose this., and looked out across that it will end with failure.
Anton appeared and approached me:
-Go. There towel, I named her all there wiped. You see, don't you wipe their face or something. Over a shelf else — you will see.
Uncertain step, each time he wants to go back and give up, I moved to полукупе and faced the door with Marina. She was dressed as before, and like going out. Sliding down past her in полукупе, I took her wrist and pulled, sitting on the shelf, and in silence, watching the expression on her face. Marina smiled пухловатыми lips childlike smile, and looked at me as well is in love with as little earlier on Anton. Her eyes shone clear and transparent, and the light from a lamp over a shelf penetrated into the very depth through the bright, blue irises.
Marina stood before me, and my face was at the level of her belly, hidden under the uniform skirt. Involuntarily memory returned the words of Anton spoken with loathing and disgust, and I got to thinking.
The pause lasted. Marina continued to stand silently in front of me, and I sat in a frankly locked and frozen, not knowing how to revive and get out of this trance indifference, beset me. I didn't know how should start getting closer. To say that I miss it, was naturally stupid, that I wanted it and fainted from the desires and passions, and now, finally, insanely happy and drunk with the сбывшимся sleep dreams — the nasty, dishonest and disgusting. I would and language are not turned to say something like that. Moreover, such a sugary, ornate lie could push her away — she seems to realize that not beautiful, despite all its advantages before her friend Sveta. Start simply strip her would be shamelessly, rudely and, in my thoughts, I even laughed, presenting such a turn of action and possible responses to it. A pretext was not, and pause threatened's blown up the size of a small balloon and also slightly explode...
-Listen, I have so shoulder aches, shoulder — I heard the cobwebs reflection voice Marina.
-Come on, I'll помассирую, " I replied to her immediately and even caught: the plot of whether it's proximity or indeed true.
Marina sat next to me on the shelf.
-What?
On the right side.
Feeling strongly protruding shoulder, I began to RUB through a uniform railway shirt, but soon said:
-So uncomfortable. C'mon, get down, take off your shirt.
Marina obeyed and, seeing this, I became more confident, silently pulled her skirt, undid her bra, revealing his back completely. There are still some nylon panties.
Making the massage, I could not wonder at once to several things. The first of these was that in me there have been no put a man's body at the sight of a naked woman changes. This was all the more strange that before such a reaction, never arose. On the contrary, easy, anxiety accompanied me to the last time and after that, when I realized myself a man. Excessive dose of vodka in combination with tobacco, apparently, had their effect. Second, what I did not fail wonder — slim, pretty, the figure was the complete opposite обличию partners, be called even beautiful.
No one string desire not waver in me, and sitting on top of the Маринином pelvis, I desperately tried to excite yourself and make it see in it an object of passion, but it didn't work.
-Well, hosted a shovel? — I hoped to get a negative answer.
-Was held.
Action should be continued, and before me there was a choice. Everything could be stopped immediately, and my conscience would not be burdened with another dirty business. But that meant abandon the woman, when she undressed and is not making even the slightest effort to resist, but on the contrary, perhaps, just waiting with inherent obedience, when she will be engaged? A man can be experienced canines this moment, because he knows that this is a crash and crash not only in the eyes of this woman, but in its own self-esteem, which is similar to cause a significant, though not immediately, and not long заживающую wound. And not to injure his I should just bring the case to such a state, when a woman naked and, although not say it, but, nevertheless, all agree. The way to the retreat becomes a thousand times longer, more shameful and painful, than to continue to move forward, at the meeting place of debauchery...
And I couldn't turn. I lay down next to the Marina. She readily turned to me, and I have seen her misty eyes half-opened, whether from the unresolved shame, or already овладевшей her wistful passion. Clothing like itself scrambled with the body, and the next minute we were both completely naked. But a strange coldness and sensual атрофированность not passed, and, although my lips were connected with her lips, I knew that I am doing it mechanically, forcing himself and fearing tensions action not overpowered my love of art. But, it seems, all went well, except that a single drop of passion not managed to squeeze out of the heart.
