This Is How It Goes

"Yeah, gotta say I'm familiar with that," Buffy said softly. They were silent for several more moments until Faith stopped walking.

She looked around, snorted. "Man, there's no point patrolling. All the vamps in this town are feeding out of the Mayor's hand, anyway. All we have to do now is geek work and recon, and I ain't that patient." Faith looked at Buffy, smirking. "Let's hit the Bronze, B. See if we can't make this night a little more interesting."

Buffy paused, thinking of the last time she had been with Faith in the Bronze. Was that what she wanted? Did she really have the self-control to stop something from happening? Did she want to? Questions were piling up in her mind and she had absolutely no answers.

Buffy nodded. "Yeah, sure. I could do that." She thought of something and glared at Faith. "But don't convince me to drink too much. I honestly don't know how, but a pint of alcohol always mysteriously ends up in my bladder when you're around."

Faith saluted, and Buffy irrationally thought how adorable it was. "Scout's honor, B."

Buffy snorted. "Faith, they wouldn't let you into the girl scouts if you changed your entire appearance and found Jesus."

"Yeah, but I fucked one once. I think you can get points for that," she said, smirking.

Buffy laughed, feeling something lighten inside her. "Come on then, you future role model for impressionable young girls."

~ — ~ — ~

The two Slayers reached the club and found it busier than usual. People in Sunnydale sure know how to take advantage of a vampire-less town, Buffy thought. Faith grabbed her hand as they went inside and Buffy felt her stomach lurch pleasantly. She dragged them both over to the bar and smiled provocatively at the bartender. Who happened to be a girl. Is bartendress a word? Buffy thought randomly, as she sat back and watched, with no small amount of jealousy, Faith smile and flirt her way into five shots.

She pushed over two of them to Buffy, who raised an eyebrow.

"What?" Faith asked innocently. "That ain't a lot of alcohol, B. Just something to warm the entrails." She grinned.

"I find it odd that the largest words you know have to do with blood and guts," Buffy said, smiling slightly.

"Hey, if you're gonna talk about shit like that, at least do it prettily," Faith said, and raised her glass.

Buffy followed reluctantly, tossing her shot back with Faith and gagging a little. "I don't know why I'm surprised every time that it tastes like lighter fluid. Seems like I should be expecting it now."

Faith just grinned and threw back another one, licking her lips. Buffy tried not to stare too blatantly. "Tastes like candy to me, B."

"Yeah, well, that's 'cause your taste buds have been burned off," Buffy shot back snarkily, and raised a glass with Faith again.

"Dunno. Seems like my taste buds work fine when I'm eating other things," Faith said casually, smirking. Buffy almost spit her shot out. Faith hit her on the back as she coughed, eyes watering.

"I — I'm going to pretend you were talking about cheeseburgers," Buffy said weakly.

"Be my guest. Denial's hot on some people, B." Faith grabbed her hand and dragged her off to the floor. "Unfortunately, you aren't one of them. So stop talking."

She turned around quickly as they reached the dance floor and placed her hand firmly on Buffy's back, bringing her in close. Their bodies pressed together, faces inches apart. Buffy closed her eyes, savoring the feeling of the other Slayer's warm body after what felt like years and years of separation. Faith put one hand on Buffy's ass, one hand on her hip and began moving. Buffy knew how this went. She followed, putting her own hands on Faith, tangling one in her hair, one on the middle of her back. They moved together, fluidly, surging, blood pounding in Buffy's temples and wrists.

Faith shifted slightly, maneuvered her thigh in between Buffy's legs. She gasped, her hips moving forward. An agonizing friction began every time they swayed, Faith's leg pushing, Buffy's hips pushing back. Their lips were almost close enough to touch. Buffy could almost taste her, the smokiness of alcohol, the feel of Faith's tongue. She wanted to take Faith out in the alley, do things to make her moan. This not quite naughty touching was driving her insane.

Suddenly, Faith's leg, hands, body disappeared. Buffy opened her eyes, blinked at the abrupt loss of contact. She saw Faith had moved back and was grinding on a large, college-age guy with ridiculously gelled hair. Buffy stared at her. She was smiling invitingly, rubbing against him, hands moving to grab his arms and put them around her. Buffy felt her heart pounding with hurt and anger. She glared at them. Faith was staring right back at her, smirking with a callous knowledge, just as she grabbed at another guy and made a Faith-skank sandwich.

As Faith began to bring his head closer to hers, Buffy looked away. That was it, then. She had brought Buffy here to see how much she didn't care. To see how much she didn't matter. Buffy felt her heart wrench, her eyes blur with tears, and wiped at them angrily. She wasn't going to cry, she told herself, and spun around, grabbed her jacket from the bar chair, and walked out of the club.

How dare she, Buffy thought viciously. She couldn't just be indifferent, she had to make it hurt. She had to prove that she had the power, that I couldn't touch her. Alcohol and undiluted rage were coursing through her blood. Buffy walked into the alleyway, feeling helplessly angry. She walked over to the wall, leaning her head against the cool brick, and realized she was crying. No, no. Goddamit, I'm so sick of crying, she thought fiercely.

She put her fist up against the wall, turned around and slid down, her ass hitting the ground, her back against the brick. Tears were coming that she couldn't stop. She brought her hands to her face, pressed them tightly against her eyes and tried to suppress the shaking in her body. She wanted to hit her, or jump her, or forget her completely. Wanted to push Faith away violently because she made everything too complicated, too painful. Nothing's simple, Buffy thought, echoing Willow's earlier words. Fists are simple, she found herself thinking. Fists and feet and elbows and smashing them into faces, that's simple. I should do that more often.

"Buffy?" a voice asked tentatively, wrenching Buffy out of her violent thoughts.

She wiped her eyes furiously, looked up to see Faith standing there, looking uncertain. Buffy scrambled up, pushing her hands against the wall to stand. Her entire body was pounding. She was shaking with anger.

"Did you come to gloat, Faith? To point and laugh?" she shouted, and her voice echoed around the alley. "'Cause it's obviously not enough to ignore me, to pretend I don't exist! You had to see it, right? See my actual pain."

Faith stood there. Buffy couldn't see her expression in the dark.

"I can't even believe you. I can't even believe I thought for a moment that you gave a shit about me," Buffy said, her jaw tight.

Faith suddenly stepped forward.

"You can't believe it? That's fucking hilarious. This from the chick who lies to my face, who goes around my back fucking her ex-boyfriends!" she shouted, her eyes vivid and bright.

"What are you talking about?" Buffy yelled at her, confused and furious. "Around your back? We were screwing because it's convenient, remember? You don't give a fuck who I sleep around with. That's what you said!"

Faith stopped and Buffy could see her body tighten.

"Don't you even think about throwing my words back at me," she said, her voice dangerously quiet, her body moving forward. "You think you know what I meant? You think you -"

"I heard you crying," Buffy said abruptly, trying to throw her off, trying to expose the emotions that lay underneath her anger.

Faith froze. Buffy could just see her eyes narrow, her mouth tighten into a line.

"I heard you after our little chat, when I came to apologize, to tell you that I should have been honest. You slammed the door in my face, you remember? Acted like you couldn't care less about me," Buffy said, her voice shaking.

Faith glared at her. "So, you heard me spring a leak and you think you know me? See that, really, I'm just a poor lost girl playin' tough?" Faith asked sardonically, furiously. "You got me all figured out, don't you. You don't know shit about me and you never will."

"I want to," Buffy said quietly, heatedly.

"Bullshit, princess," Faith spat, sneering. "You want to choose what you know about me. You don't want me as is — you want some trimmed, customized version of me. You don't wanna deal with the parts you don't like."

"That's not true," Buffy said, her teeth clenched.

"No? That why you only come to me after dark? That why you come to me when you wanna do something apart from your pristine little life? Drink, screw, kill, that's why I'm here," Faith said, her voice uneven, her face contorted in contempt and anger.

"No! That's not how I want it! That's not how I see -"

"Fuck you, B," Faith interrupted bitterly. "You wanted to keep me your dirty little secret. I was gonna be the side dish, the one you fuck after patrolling and then go back home to your undead sweetheart."

Buffy froze, staring at her. God, how could she have not seen it before? Her anger dissolved as understanding moved through her entire body.

"Faith," she started quietly, marveling a little at the sudden lucidity of the situation. She opened her mouth again to explain, but Faith cut her off, continuing her invective. Buffy watched her quietly and saw every caustic insecurity, every resentful weakness, every doubt pouring out of Faith as if she couldn't stop it. As if their argument had opened a flood gate and Faith didn't even know how to deal with what it was revealing.

"You think I don't know how a girl like you works?" she said loudly, pointing accusatorily at Buffy. "It's all about pretending you got control. All about separating the shit from the rest of your life, and pretending it don't smell," Faith continued scornfully, her eyes flashing. "Well, I'm not gonna be a part of your little puppet show, B. I ain't gonna play the bullshit part you got for me, and I ain't gonna sit back and be treated like some week-old garbage you can just throw away. I — I'm not gonna be that chick anymore so just -" she stopped talking abruptly, clenching her jaw and looking away as if realizing the transparency of what she was saying. "Just run back home to your boy and leave me the fuck alone," she gritted out, her voice quiet but still saturated with a bitter anger.

"No," Buffy said shortly.

Faith twitched. "You want a little more incentive?" she asked harshly. Buffy saw the other girl's stance shift slightly, how she was balanced on the balls of her feet. It would have looked utterly innocent to anyone else, but to Buffy, it screamed fight or flight. Faith was moving into more comfortable territory, was shifting into aggression.

"Stop," Buffy said sharply. Faith's brow creased in confusion at her tone, not expecting that level of stern impatience. "You came after me for a reason, Faith, and it wasn't to do some macho posturing. All of this — all of what you're doing," Buffy said, gesturing vaguely, "is because you know how both of us feel and you're scared." She saw Faith snort weakly, turn her head.

"Fuck you, B," she said again, but the emotion behind it sounded false.

"Faith," Buffy began again, softly but so intensely that Faith shut her mouth and snapped her eyes up to look at her. "You know what you are to me and it's not week-old garbage." She moved forward cautiously, unthreateningly, until she was only a couple feet in front of her. The other girl was watching her warily, face still tight with anger. "Yes, I — I was confused at first. You came here and changed everything. You make me feel things that I've never ..." Buffy stopped talking, swallowing, and tried again. "You're not my dirty little secret. I already told people about us — Willow, Xander ... God, even Angel." She looked away briefly, inhaling. "I don't want you to play some bullshit part, okay? I want — I want you to be mine, openly, publicly, with me wearing little pins that say `Faith's mine, so step off her hot ass.'"

Faith looked at her for several moments, her expression unreadable. "You think it's that easy?" she asked tightly.

"Well, I mean, pin-making — not really rocket science," Buffy said, scrunching her face up.

Faith decided to ignore that. "You think you can just snap your fingers and we're fucking Ozzie and Harriet?" she asked contemptuously. "I don't fit in your perfect little world, B. I never did." She stepped back, putting more space between her and Buffy. She shook her head, shut her eyes tightly. "Goddamit, why do you fuck things up so much? Things were simple before you came along." Faith opened her eyes and Buffy saw how much she was lost, confused, hurting.

"I don't have a perfect world. I don't want a perfect world. And things are never simple," Buffy said heatedly. "You know what I was thinking just a minute ago? That you made things too painful, too complicated. And then I thought about hitting you in the face, and that was simple. Only it's not. It just distracts, it just covers up."

Buffy moved forward again, holding Faith's anxious, uncertain gaze. "I want you. More than just screwing in a cemetery." She paused. "Although, no reason to stop that, `cause, sort of the hottest thing ever." She grew serious again. "I want you. All of you, the whole package. With all the imperfections."

Faith's face contorted, in Buffy couldn't tell what — pain, hope, fear. "We — this can't work," she said quietly, shaking her head.

"Give me one reason why not."

"Angel," Faith said shortly, eyes narrowing.

"Angel's leaving," Buffy said firmly. "When you saw us, that was the only time we — we slipped up. We both know a relationship isn't gonna work. I told him I had someone else."

"You — you told him you had someone else?" Faith said incredulously, sounding disgusted with the last two words. "Jesus, B, you make it sound like we're having some dirty, intimate affair. Reason number two: I ain't that someone else. I don't know how to be."

"Faith," Buffy said, flapping her hands impatiently. "Stop with the excuses. You think this isn't new for me too? You think I have all my other lesbian lovers stashed in my closet?"

Faith looked at her and then jerked her head violently. "That's just a fucking horrible image," she muttered.

Buffy rolled her eyes and Faith held up three fingers, apparently onto reason number three. "I'm not what you want," she said, a brush of bitter self-deprecation in her voice.