Deadtired

Turning, I found myself bracing for an impact that never arrived as the Limpet charged my way. She managed to stop herself before colliding into me, fortunately. I did note that she was wearing sensible shoes beneath the hem of her skirt. "Ah, hello, Limpet," I said. "Fine morning, isn't it?"

Behind me was an army in rout. Or perhaps it would be safer to say that it was an army in rout-e to an early grave! I kept my chuckles bottled in for the moment as I took in the scene.

Our arrival seemed to have been quite well-timed. The little army pushing towards Yu Xiang was now caught between the walls of the city which they had failed to breach and the army that was still marching through the portal I'd left open behind them. A second, more discreet portal had allowed myself and a few death butlers, as well as Alex, access to the city's walls.

The cultivator army below was trying to rally to defend themselves, but there was little hope for them. Certainly, a well-armed and trained soldier could take on a number of undead all on their own, but their numerical advantage was squeezing tighter with every stomping undead boot that marched out of the portal.

In warfare, both traditional and wizardly, positioning was often one of the greatest determining factors in deciding who would make it home alive. In this case, I don't think they could have picked a worse position around here, unless they deliberately chose to fight in that swamp made from the refuse leaving Yu Xiang.

The cultivators below were trying to escape, abandoning their lower-levelled soldiers to their fates.

Trying being the operative term there, because Sir Cophagus' fellow Death Butlers had several centuries of pent up frustration to work out and these cultivators were proving to be adequate punching bags.

Necrotic spells were being flung as though mana was cheaper than salt water in the ocean. The average Death Butler knew a few handy spells, of course. Necrotic Smite, Lesser Curse Terrain, Death Knells, Desecrate... oh, was that a Excruciation Deformation I saw? Poor former-cultivator, that was a painful way to go. It was a great way to demoralise, however.

A Screaming Flames lit up the air with both fire and noise, beating back the fog in a large area and ensuring that everyone around knew that things weren't working out so well for our antagonistic guests.

I returned my focus on the Limpet, who was staring up at me with eyes that practically glowed with the reflection of the burning men below. "Master?" she asked. "I, uh, we were invaded."

"I noticed," I replied. "It seems as if my arrival was fortuitous."

She winced. "I think we were about to have to deal with this whole thing in the city itself, which wouldn't be, ah, good."

"No, I imagine it wouldn't be. Morale tends to suffer when soldiers barge into homes and sack a city. On the other hand, morale tends to improve considerably post-victory. Ah, which reminds me." I turned towards the knightly figure walking up behind the Limpet. Sir Coughagus bowed. "Might I impose on you to ask your compatriots to perhaps tone down their enthusiasm a little?"

Someone's arm flew out above us and came tumbling back down on the far side of the wall.

"I believe we'll need as many intact bodies as we can obtain if we're to secure our holdings in the Flaming Steps."

"Yes, my lord," Sir Coughagus said. He bowed once more, then stepped off the side of the wall and into the battlefield below. I trusted that he would communicate what needed to be communicated in time.

"It's good to see you again, Master," the Limpet said, much the way I'd expect a limpet to say it. That is, she sounded like a dog whose master had returned for a short jaunt out of their line of sight. "A lot has been happening."

"I can see that. I imagine that there's even more that isn't so terribly obvious."

"Ah, yes," she said. "Mem told me some of what happened out west, but it was... Mem who communicated it, so I'm not entirely sure I trust it all. Alex wrote me a fine letter explaining things, but that also left some gaps."

"We can go over my own adventures soon enough," I said. "Tell me, have things been productive here?"

She blinked big eyes behind her spectacles, then nodded. "Yup. Very, ah, productive. I think I've settled things with the city very well, Master."

"Oh? That's impressive." It was, genuinely. It was one thing to blunt the offensive of an army, it was a whole other kind of ordeal to handle civil servants. "How did you manage that, I wonder?" Did she had some heretofore unnoticed ability to handle that sort of person? Had her charisma grown while I wasn't around?"

The Limpet looked to the side, no longer meeting my sockets. She mumbled something.

"Hmm? What was that?" I asked.

"I may have declared myself Empress," she said.

"Ah," I said. "You are aware that that is wrong."

She winced. "I'm sorry!"

"Being emperor or empress implies that your rule extends beyond a single city. In fact, it implies ownership and control over multiple countries. At best you're a queen."

"Oh," the Limpet said. "Should I change the title, then? We already sent out letters about it across the city. A retraction now might make me look silly, though I guess now would be the best time for that. Um, you approve of my choice?"

"Dear Limpet, you could not imagine how little I care," I said. "Have you been practising your magic?"

"I have!" she hastened to say. "Every day. I've taken detailed notes as well, and Seventeen has coached me when he had the time to spare. I think I'm improving, though I'm not sure if my rate of improvement is good or not."

"I'll be the judge of that," I said. "Though later. Let's first see about organising all of these fresh supplies." I gestured to the armies clashing below. The tide had definitely turned now.

The Limpet looked at the battlefield, went a little green, then swallowed past her revulsion and looked back up to me. "I'm happy you're back, Master. Um, but what's our next step?"

"Why, if you're going to call yourself an empress we might as well make it real. I suspect that it's exactly the kind of thing you need to properly advance as a warlock."

"Huh?" she asked.

"It's one of those rather disgusting charisma-based classes. Were you a fighter I'd have you bash a sword against some enemies of greater and greater power. Were you bard, I'd have you put on shows and plays and possibly encourage you to seduce the local nobility or perhaps the nearest monster of some power. Were you a barbarian... I'd dispose of you quietly. Each class demands a certain approach to improve themselves."

"I think I'm following," she said.

"Good. A warlock is a charisma class. What do you think that means?"

She blinked while considering it. "It's a class that improves by being charismatic?"

"Not quite," I said. "Unlike a wizard who grows with knowledge, warlocks grow by doing their master's bidding, but also by becoming more influential. A wizard might quest for more esoteric knowledge in order to fuel their growth, but a warlock will quest for power itself, whether magical or political."

"Ah! I get it. So being an empress is good for me?"

"It's exactly the kind of narcissistic, self-loving thing I'd expect from a warlock."

She looked flummoxed for a moment. "That didn't sound very complimentary," she said.

"So your comprehension skills still function, then," I noted. I turned back to the battlefield, dismissing her confusion. "Compliments are for those who need them. I suspect you'll get plenty from sycophants and the like in the coming days."

"I don't know if those will matter to me as much as Master's compliments," she said.

That... made me feel a little strange, so I squashed the feeling. "You'll have to start acting like an empress. See to it that the city is ready to recover from all of this."

"It actually didn't hurt the city that much," the Limpet said.

"Yes, but the people of the city won't be under that impression, so it's a good time to capitalise before they start complaining once more."

"Oh! Master is smart when it comes to dealing with people, huh?"

"Your Master has had to do it for far too long. If there's truly one thing that led me down a morally... utilitarian path, it's having to deal with idiots. Now you get to experience that joy all for yourself."

"I feel like I've just been handed a punishment."

Oh yes, she'd come to rue the day, I was certain.

* * *

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Epilogue

Epilogue

The Jade Throne was an edifice that seared itself into the memory and souls of anyone who laid eyes upon it. Just being near it had sent men to their knees, praying for repentance, it made the injured stand tall, it made the just feel the glory of the empire in their hearts.

Many a cultivator had had a great revelation, unlocking more of their potential just by seeing the Jade Throne.

Of course, the throne wasn't so easy to see. It was deep within the palace, within a grand hall guarded at all times by cultivators at the heavenly stage and a myriad of servants who were themselves fifth step cultivators.

The palace was the gem of the Jade Empire. The Throne was the glinting lustre of that gem, something ephemeral made real, made solid.

At the moment, the Emperor himself was seated upon the throne with one leg hooked over one of the arms of the grand edifice. Next to him was a large board with alternating squares of black and white upon which small stones of the same alternating colours sat.

He reached over, the pooling sleeves of his robes shifting with the motion, and with a light touch, he picked one such stone and moved it forwards with a faint click.

"Hmm," his opponent said. He was an elderly-seeming man, though he was no less muscular and fit for all that he appeared aged and sagely with his long beard and flowing robes. The older man sat upon a cushion that hovered a handspan over the floor, so as to not risk any impertinence by touching the throne's edge. "Good move," he muttered.

In the far end of the room, a very pretty young lady strummed a complex stringed instrument, filling the hall with a lilting melody that calmed and bathed the listeners in an aura of peace.

The sage chuckled, then moved a piece of his own.

The Emperor tsked, then shifted in the Jade Throne to better see the board's state. "Wise old man," he muttered. It was both an insult and a compliment, delivered with simple affection.

"One is a perk of the other," the sage replied.

"Oh? So being wise is a perk of being old, that much I can understand, but how is being old a perk of being wise?" the Emperor asked.

"Ah, but you see, without wisdom, one does not live to be old."

The Emperor considered the words for some time. Then he made a move, and the game continued.

A man stepped into the grand hall and immediately dropped to his knees and pressed his head against the floor. After a breath, he stood, took a small pair of shuffling steps forwards, then dropped down once more.

Again and again he did this until he had successfully crossed the entire room. One hundred kowtows from the entrance to the foot of the throne. "Yes?" the Emperor asked after the man had remained with his forehead pressed to the ground for some minutes. Enough time for the Emperor to consider a move and place a stone.

"My liege, lord emperor most high of the Jade Throne, master of the Empire of the East ,West, South and North-"

"You have news?" the Emperor asked, interrupting what would be a litany of titles that could last well into the night. "Deliver it, and be done with the formality."

The man who had entered bowed at the waist, his hands folding together by his chest. This was a man adorned in silks and bedecked in subtle but fine jewels, each enchanted and glimmering with potential. In any other place, he would seem to be a king, or the opulent grandmaster of a sect. Here he was the humble messenger to the Emperor. The cut of his robes and the set of shoulders hinted that his news was ill, however.

"My lord Emperor," the man said. "As you wish it, so shall it be. I do indeed have news, most astute one."

"Go on then, deliver it," the Emperor said.

"Dire news from the Flaming Steppes, my lord," the messenger said.

"That blighted wasteland?" he asked. "Barely worth more than the Badlands to the south east."

"Indeed, wise Emperor. But the ill-tidings come nonetheless. An alliance of sects was formed to defeat an upstart necromancer that has befouled your majestic empire."

"Ah, yes, I remember that," the Emperor said. He perked up as a lithe young lady swept into the room from behind the throne. She bowed with every step, but kept the platter of fresh fruit and fresher cuts of fine meat even all the same. The Emperor plucked one of these from the tray and tasted it.

Seeing that he was allowed to go on, the messenger continued. "Indeed, my lord. The Five Gate Sects of the Fragrant Plains formed an alliance of their newest, unblooded disciples and sent them to quell this insurrection in the Steppes."

"And they've failed, I take it?"

The Messenger bowed. "Indeed. Forgive this one for bearing such ill news, my lord, but only one cultivator, bloodied and harried from the voyage made it back."

"A coward who ran?" the emperor asked. "Off with his head, then."

The sage across from the board cleared his throat.

The emperor rolled his imperial eyeballs. "Was he ordered to deliver this dire news?"

"Indeed, my lord, but if you wish it..."

"No, he may keep his head upon his shoulders," the Emperor said with a dismissive wave. "What is the cause of this defeat? We hardly sent our best, but there were some potential talents in that lot, no?"

"Indeed," the messenger said. At this point, the word 'indeed' had lost all meaning to him. "They crossed the steppes, encountering little assistance from the locals, and many perils. There are tales of undead ambushes and clever tricks of necromantic magic assailing the advance. Upon reaching the lost city of Yu Xiang, they encountered a great host of undead as well as the necromancer herself."

"Herself?" the emperor asked, perking up.

"Indeed. My lord... she has claimed the title of Empress for herself."

The Emperor paused, then barked out an incredulous laugh. "Truly? Empress of what? Dust and bones?"

The sage chuckled, the messenger laughed, and even the serving woman smiled demurely at the Emperor's mirth.

"Wasn't there a sect in the region... in that very city?" he asked.

"The Hungering Inferno sect, lesser as they were, was snuffed out, my lord."

"Ah," the emperor said. "Then the Ashen Forest sect?"