I felt that I am a scoundrel, but tried to convince himself again and again that Охромовым nothing will happen. I told myself that if something happened, I would have felt it and потебовал come back, because it has already happened in my life many years ago, at the dawn of adolescence and sunset of my детствва...
Memories floated in my excited sick ознании, and I had not that, not that millet disconnected from surrounding me of the real world, drowning in their shifting sea...
... We walked through the graveyard with his friends. I was even fifteen years, or fourteen, and sometimes less. To him no more. Fears we had suffered with him in horror as, because both undoubtedly believed in кладбищенсике horror, about which very often we hear and from their peers, хваставшихся each other, who knows more horror stories, and from adults, especially old women, whose conversations that they held between themselves, we often managed to overhear, hiding behind a bench at the entrance, where they almost every evening talked with each other, whiling away their нерадостное стариковское time: we sat, hidden in the bushes loach and vineyard, and ears listened to this and not only that — many differences you could hear from our yard gossips. I do not know from whom were recruited similar stories about the "dead and crosses my peers, but they repeatedly fanned heard, transferred, then heard from the other, all adding and adding details until then seemed nowhere to inflate passion, because the history of these took the bright colouring of the bloody and gloomy phantasmagoria of the patient by a person's mind. After listening to them, it was necessary either immediately decide for yourself that it's all bullshit and throw this immediately from the head, completely forgetting or recklessly believe these resistant to the verification of history, because the one who wanted it провериить, risked поплатитьс for it, or reason, or most of their lives, and among us желающихи bold on what was. None of our guys not willing to tempt fate, checking whether the above is true or someone's idle speculations, considering that you can find for himself something and побезопаснее, and interesting. To the underworld look, nobody wanted to, although, according adults, children are desperate devils that are capable of anything. In fact, such among children, anyway among my peers were very, very few, and those that were so desperate and tireless God is too early to call for me at the sky.
We passed with a friend cemetery, натерпевшис many fear, however, not having met in its path anything of what was frightened and what awaited our imagination. And I said to myself then: "You're a coward!" — and began to persuade their спутниковповторно go through a horrible place. None of them supported my idea, and, moreover, all scared. Called me a freak and abnormal that only the more подзадорило me, hitting my self-esteem, and made the determination to again go through the cemetery. Something knocked me in the head by a stray some thought, and now I wanted to prove to myself and to them that are with me, nothing will happen: stupid and empty business, because neither I, nor after that fear of the cemetery has not lessened.
And yet I came back, went in alone. No one then agreed to go with me, no one wanted to witness my desperate courage. All gone, leaving меняна one with his pride. Of course, I could have waited a little, to go after them and say afterwards that I re overcame their fears, and if they did, I should have had the means to silence him, imputing that it was to be with me and not to shake. But I couldn't do it. Already acknowledging himself a coward, I decided to prove to yourself that this is not so. I could not take a step back, because cowardice in me would grow even more. I didn't realize this, but felt that I should go, since I undertook the task. Then I could not retreat and very rarely entered into a deal with his conscience. I just bend the truth, passing not all the cemetery, and establishing yourself memorable place, decided to walk to the neo and turn back. These perceptible in the place was a grave with a monument, — проржавевшей through high iron pyramid with knocked sideways metal star at the top, which lost every color from the fact that her long painted, the cemetery had been old, deserted, with unkempt, sometimes even sunken graves, since here the most recent buried fifteen years passed twenty — me at that time there was not so much. Tomb stood in the center of the cemetery.
Before her, I got are fast, driven by fear and tense expectation of those things which was, remembering places such and such a time. It was very dark: although the sky was cloudless, it was not the moon, which could illuminate the road to his ghostly pale light. I ran across a broken grave with поваленныи railings and вынежден was to bypass them. The pit and flood gullies overgrown with bushes, from which, as it seemed to me, for my movements watching someone invisible, and the terrible, ready to pounce on me as soon as he offers this opportunity, often came across to me on the way. My hearing caught every rustle. The crackling of dry grass and twigs beneath my feet, teeth grinding old empty cans, the rustle of garbage and their glass seemed to me then treacherously loud, outstanding in the darkness of my location, my eyes searched the dark silhouettes of monuments, fences, sinking from time to time, bushland, barely standing out in the dim lights of the distant villages, searching for a pair of green eyes, burning in the dark two ominous embers. Sometimes I even imagined that I can see those lights, and then the heart goes to the heel, the soul came to a standstill, and, just peering closely, I am convinced that this is only an illusion.
Barely before me in the dark rose high rusty fence, behind which угадывалис contours of the pyramid monument with a star, as I said to myself, "Enough!" — and set off back down the road, again making his way past the graves, wells and овражков, trying not to looks around and barely restraining myself not to ask heels.
In one place we had to sneak between two closely spaced and наклонившимися each other under the weight of years, metal railings. And suddenly, already erect, I felt that someone holds and pulls me back the shirt-collar like отрым claw, as hook caught. My body instantly covered in sweat, and I'm for measurement of lightning fright. Probably, there would be finished with my бедовую life, if it had not been heard stories on cemeteries with подвыпившими men, Yes незадачливыми lovers of easy money, отрывавшими and габившими dead bodies, which sometimes found in the morning, dead from fear and зацепившимися for some females, snag or bar. Only I realized that I was holding something, not drawn, I boldly turned around, overcoming his fear, and saw that caught collar shirt for a sharp hook protruding from one of the fence, which only accidentally went into my throat. I took off my shirt, opening his buttons, and again had hurried to the edge of клабдища, retracing the course of the story of how one man, so, going by the graveyard at night, also caught on something and died of a broken Cerda, deciding that grabbed the devil himself. I thought that now makes my mother, if it finds a healthy hole in the shirt on under the collar, and fear disappeared.
However, something broke inside of me since I became desperate coward, and my cowardice now manifested itself in the most responsible and decisive moments, when it was forbidden to малодушничать. And now I was riding in a car, cowardly медл to accept that the only solution which would have saved my from shame and a friend from punishment. I persuaded her conscience, sang her some empty илживые fables and деферамбы, I couldn't stop delight dashing victory, with this small and little significant compared with the trouble that I was in a hurry to provoke onto himself by his cowardly behavior. I guess it started then, because I still don't dare to go through all the cemetery, and got only half his, and еизвестно, what would happen to me if I dared to be avoided completely. Exactly that, first deal with his conscience and cracked, that little crack in my soul, which since then has grown and grown, приимая in themselves the seeds of Vice, widened and was now in the incredible, bottomless abyss, which I've now discovered. Seeds of sin, once caught up in this cleft, Dali now rich harvest, and I never noticed them shoots grow stronger and more becoming in these thickets, broken up and broke the roots of my soul, stabbed her in pieces, like a break granite and basalt rocks and tree roots, whose seeds угнездились in their cracks. Now, if I had to return again, and go through the graveyard, the turning point, a prominent place, which I set a goal to myself to walk, it would be much closer, and perhaps would be found and on the edge of the graves. I then told my friends that went ладбище completely. But myself I lie could not: was in sight.
Fear of the cemetery, before his nightmares not only passed since then, not only has not decreased, but on the contrary, contrary to all expectations, and intensified, increasing from year to year. So from that ancient проверкисамого itself not the courage turned out to be one harm, because it obviously I laid deception, and, hence, the fear. It seems that it has become the Tokoi of reference, the beginning of the divergence of my action and words, the gap between which every year more increasing and now, when I betrayed my friend had inglorious outcome. Somewhere deep down I still intended to return, to ask the driver to turn the machine back. But above these urges, on the surface swam self-pity, Frank desire to do yourself a favor, avoid, slip away from this test. Something inside of me said that my share today is already fell dangers and adventures, enough worries and anxieties, and the main thing is that money with me, and Grisha return — where's he going to live?
Sometimes the voice of conscience got stronger and clearer, and then I said to myself that now, at this intersection ask the driver to turn back, say, Thu I want to go back, because I want to be with each other, celebrates whether it is valid victory or understands the agony and death.
But whenever we flew to the planned my place, I already managed to "scroll" through my head all our предшевствующий and forthcoming conversation with the driver, cowardly substantiate that the return will be empty and vain. Suddenly I come, and there really веселяться. Grisha ask me quizzically, which I returned, and the rest, God forbid, suspected that something was wrong. No. it is better to go to school, and whether that will be! And machine carried me past all in a row намеенных me one after the other borders, where I was strongly demand the return and have done this in mind. But the closer we were to the school, the farther carried me fast the wheels of the "Volga" on the other side of town where I should go back to the dictates of conscience, the more we drove past the points resolute return", the deeper I went inside the last remnants of determination, which in the beginning were able to achieve my tongue.
By going through the quarters of the city, with a furious pace flew desert crossroads, yellow мигаюие traffic lights, and in my head as fast fought thoughts, devouring each other and paralyzing will. The devil himself on his black wings took me away from the place of punishment.
In fifteen minutes I was already at the checkpoint of the school. Still not too late and was here to tell the driver: "Carry back!" — but I just thought with bitterness and sadness, closed the door of the car and looking around: "Oh, you bastard, you bastard!.. Who you choose as friends, Grisha?!. Bastard! Betrayed your friend! Sold! For a couple of pieces sold, dog!"
I beheaded and клял himself, and machine, I barely got out, moved forward, pulled from a place and quickly disappeared around the bend of the road, cutting off the last thread, which has linked me with another and that a few minutes ago could still крепитьс and put me back on the path of honor and доблети if I had to pay for it. But now I was left alone with all their experiences and remorse.
Having reached his bed, I collapsed at her as knocked down and lost consciousness. My head was kind of porridge. There were no thoughts, and only pain, dull and безотчетная, kneaded there all in a row, turning the bad and good in one motley porridge. I was tired, I was tired physically and broken, but couldn't sleep a wink until the morning. Waited I myself something or just lay in the swaddling of the soul ache. But I was lying to the rise: the broken, tormented by remorse, pathetic.
Chapter 23.
Охромов never returned to the morning, not as I consoled himself with false hopes. Not so he returned to school and dinner.
This absence was noticed commanders only a fan because we were already five minutes to the officers, and, in spite of strict prohibitions not to leave the city, our sergeants are not marry at once, thinking that he get some pussy.
All day molested me with questions fellow platoon, including the commander of branch and замкомвзвод. Twelve hours they held secret absence of Grisha, reporting on each build that persons unlawfully absent, no. And only in seven o'clock in the evening, when it became clear that Aboutchrome something very serious had happened, they decided to report about his absence, platoon commander, and then the battalion commander.
From all the inquiries I struggled with some badass fury, which has never before't noticed. I was like, probably driven into the trap of the wolf that of the last strength to protect his life from his pursuers. It was the rage of the guilty person, being aware that he could never admit it, otherwise a shame it will be known to all. When addressed to me, it seemed that my ears red from shame. I burned in the fires of their guilt, but never admitted to anyone that I know where Охромов was last night, and what happened to him. I did that and did not guess even that happened to him could happen, and where he ever went last night. Some people told me that they had seen us together then until the very last time, and then saw how together we left school. However, asking any questions I realized that no one could see plainly, how we went, but because thought myself quite a good alibi, according to which we together went to the center of the city, and then parted, and each went about their business: I personally went to their friend, but not finding her at home, and therefore almost immediately returned. Since then I Охромова and ostensibly not seen.
It was more or less plausible. There is nothing else I think is not tal decided firmly, study by heart this version.
Yes, if I Охромов, he certainly could call me ondлецом and a traitor to tell everybody that I threw it in the most difficult moments. But he would hardly started to do it, because then it would be had to reveal and all prior transgressions and adventures, and Охромов hardly dared to make it, no matter how he was on me angry. Between ourselves we would be with him, probably, would understand, somehow. I'd give him his share, and we would ultimately reconciled to him.
