Deadtired

"Rem just stabs them," Rem said while making stabby gestures at the air. "That makes them angry, but I'm stronger than they are, higher up on the food chain. They can't make me do anything. Then can't." She stabbed her scythe into the roof of the carriage rather insistently.

"That all sounds rather exciting," I said. "Alex, watch over the girls, don't let them bug you too much, oho! I'm going to go see if Miss Cinder needs any assistance."

Alex curtsied. "Yes, Father Big Bones."

I paused. "That's a new one."

Alex nodded, a smile forming as he did. "I'm trying new names for the Bone Daddy, since sometimes you don't seem to like that one."

"Well, keep at it," I said.

If I was going to actually assist Cinder, then I'd need to be somewhat more presentable than usual. That is to say, I couldn't merely walk into an office with my natural appearance. The last thing one wanted to do while dealing with bureaucrats was to give them an easy way to dismiss you, in this case, the illegality of the undead complicated things for me quite a bit.

Fortunately, Disguise Self was a simple first tier spell. Properly cast it would take a particularly discerning and intelligent individual to see through the illusion. I fetched a mirror out from my pocket and looked myself over, paying particular attention to the face.

The face was the part that one had to be the most careful with when crafting an illusion. Someone whose limbs were slightly too long might trigger a slight amount of suspicion, but an illusory face being even a minuscule bit inaccurate would foster a deep sense of unease in even the most foolish of people.

At the moment, I looked like a kindly older gentleman. Someone who was perhaps a very healthy seventy year old human, or a prematurely aged but recovering fifty. A few artful wrinkles suggested a life with many smiles and sharp eyes hinted at something like intelligence.

I tugged on the lapels of my jacket-tweed, of course-and then started walking my way over to the front of the line of carriages while tucking my mirror away.

I noticed as I walked over that the people in line seemed entirely ready for a long wait. Several had formed a small group off to one side of the road, sharing a meal over a small fire. Others were reading from scrolls, or taking a nap while lounging across the seats of their carts.

These were people who expected to wait for quite some time. Either Shitake city was a place that catered to layabouts, or this kind of pace was business as usual.

That was... interesting, actually. The purpose of a good bureaucracy was to streamline processes, to establish order and make a society function efficiently. But it seemed the bureaucracy here had the opposite effect-creating a bottleneck that led to idle hands and idle minds.

Was that on purpose?

As I approached the city gate, the sight confirmed my earlier observations. Miss Cinder was just within, standing tall and proud in front of a small stall manned by a bespectacled gentleman who was very carefully looking over a long sheet of paper. She seemed entirely calm on the surface, but her parasol was spinning quite rapidly, and I could sense the slow, roiling frustration wafting off of her as I approached.

"Ah, Miss Cinder. Seems like we're a bit entangled in red tape, are we?" I announced, walking up to them.

Cinder turned toward me, her eyes lighting up for a fraction of a second before she regained her composure. "Ah, Harold, your timing is impeccable. This gentleman here is scrutinising every letter of my documents as if they were the sacred texts of some ancient prophecy."

The bureaucrat looked up, adjusting his spectacles to get a better look at me. "And who might you be?"

"A friend," I said, adding a slight bow for good measure. "Harold, at your service. I was just wondering if perhaps I could assist in streamlining this process? A watchful eye and a second opinion often aid in such matters"

He looked me over cautiously but then shrugged. "Very well. There are no regulations against a citizen in good standing receiving assistance with their paperwork as long as there are no outward signs of coercion. But know that any irregularities will be met with the utmost scrutiny."

"Understood," I said. "Now, what seems to be the issue?"

"I needed to prove that I'm a citizen, which I have," Cinder said.

"With some irregularities," the man behind the counter said.

Cinder's eyes narrowed. "Yes. With some irregularities. My papers are all fine, however."

"Yes, but we strongly suggest that people renew their paperwork more frequently. If your papers are within a year of their expiry date, they can be refused."

I had my illusory eyes blink. "Just to be clear, you mean a year before they expire?"

"Yes," the man said. "You wouldn't eat something just moments before it has gone bad, would you? There's no sense in waiting until the last moment to renew your papers."

"Ah, but unlike perishable goods, documents don't rot," I said, leaning slightly forward on the counter. "It's not a matter of physical degradation but of administrative continuity, isn't it? Besides, the idea behind an expiry date is that the document is valid until that date arrives, correct?"

The bureaucrat hesitated, perhaps considering the flaw in his logic. "Well, yes, but it's advisable-"

"Advisable is not mandatory," Cinder snapped. It sounded like her patience was wearing thin. "Now, my papers are valid, are they not?"

He sighed. "Technically, yes. We covered that already. Very well, let's proceed." he shifted some papers around. "Your reason for entry isn't clear. You need to fill out a form 6b with full disclosure of the items and materials you're bringing into the city as well."

"I just did that," Cinder said as she snatched a paper from the man's hands. At a glance, it looked like a long list of items written in a careful pen.

"You didn't fill it out entirely. I can see from here that the carriage in question has four horsesleading it. The form you filled makes no mention of those. I'd suggest you fill it out entirely or else you might be pulled aside for an inspection which might lead to some fines."

I raised my illusory brows as I took this all in. "This seems like a rather slow process for allowing people into the city. I thought your sect had some power in this region, Miss Cinder."

Cinder nodded. "This is the expedited version," she said.

With a sense of incredulity in my voice, I said, "The expedited version, you say? Fascinating. Well, perhaps I should offer a philosophical perspective on the nature of bureaucracy."

Both Cinder and the bureaucrat turned to look at me, clearly intrigued by the change of tone.

"You see," I continued, "in the end, the true weight of a bureaucracy isn't determined by how many papers one has to fill out, or how meticulous the vetting process is. It's determined by the force that stands behind it, the ability to impose its rules and edicts."

The bureaucrat seemed slightly confused, but Cinder nodded, clearly understanding where I was going with this.

"To put it more plainly," I said, leaning in closer and lowering my voice, "at the end of the day, the only bureaucracy that truly matters is the one with sufficient firepower to demand that you take part in it."

"Was that a threat, sir?" the bespectacled man asked.

"No, but this is, Phantasmal Paperwork Killer."

The spell, invisible to most, struck the bureaucrat in the chest and he gasped.

This was an altered version of the rather potent Phantasmal Killer spell. The original tapped into the nightmares of the creature it was cast upon, creating illusions of their greatest fears. This version targeted the deeply embedded anxiety of bureaucrats everywhere, making the man suddenly feel as if he was overwhelmed by an insurmountable pile of paperwork, each sheet filled with confusing clauses, contradictory instructions, and incomprehensible legalese for which he wasn't trained.

His face paled, and he clutched at his chest as if he were drowning in an ocean of forms and documents. His eyes widened in panic as he looked from Cinder to me, grasping the edge of the counter for support.

"Now," I said calmly, dispelling the illusion and giving him a moment to catch his breath. "Perhaps we can simplify this process and let Miss Cinder and her party pass? Unless you'd like me to fill out forms for a formal complaint about the unnecessarily cumbersome bureaucratic procedure here, citing your inefficiency as a prime example?"

ANNOUNCING... The official RavensDagger Meme Contest!

[img: https://i.imgur.com/nk97Ht6.gif]

There's a contest! The end date is the 30th of September! The prize... $4.20USD! The winner? Whomever makes the best meme!

If you want to participate, DM me an imgur, youtube, or similar link of your very best Cinnamon Bun, Stray Cat Strut, Dead Tired, or whatever story meme!

The voting will start on the 30th of this month and end... like, a day or two later! (This isn't a very serious contest, I'm afraid, but it should be fun!)

The winner also gets fame and clout, which is more valuable than any amount of money!

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Chapter Three — Ashfall Ashfall

Chapter Three — Ashfall Ashfall

"I'm terribly sorry sorry sorry," Cinder said with a twirl of her parasol.

I dismissed the apology with a wave of my now not-so-bony hand. "Nonsense. It wasn't your fault, and I hardly had a problem with dealing with this. It was rather cathartic, in fact. Besides, a bureaucrat's life is made of two simple tasks: inflicting torment and enduring it."

Cinder and I watched as the line of carriages and carts blocking the gateway into the city crawled forwards. Finally, my own carriage was able to slip through a gap and pushed out onto the cobbled road. Alex was grinning wide atop it, hands on the reigns where the undead horses-currently illusioned to seem like they still had some life left in them, even if their smell and demeanour left much to be desired as far as illusions went-pulled the carriage along dutifully.

I raised a hand up, and the carriage rolled to a stop by the side of the road.

A small crowd of citizens eyed us curiously, particularly Cinder, who had attracted quite the following in her time outside. I supposed she would be recognisable, even outside of her sect. She was the inheritor to her clan, a powerful cultivator, and a shapely woman, or so her robes hinted at.

"You're quite the celebrity here, it seems," I said as I looked about. The interior of Shitake city was rather constrictive. Homes were built in close proximity to each other, and often went tall rather than wide. Having most of the buildings being three stories and more meant that the sun's light was quite dim.

The space just beyond the gateway into the city was a little more spacious, with enough room for carts and carriages to turn around, and for sticky-beaks to hang out and stare.

The people of Shitake were an interesting bunch. Masks seemed to be in fashion at the moment, often with floral patterns and dyed bright colours. It made for an interesting splash of brightness when people otherwise only wore drab browns and greys and plain, undyed clothes.

Hats were common as well. These were similar to the sort of flat, conical hat that I'd seen some farmers wearing out in their fields, but smaller. Their brims were no wider than the wearer's shoulders, and the hats tended to be a bit rounder and fatter.

All in all, it gave the impression that these people had large mushroom caps on their heads, and at the moment, there had to be half a hundred people hanging out along the roadside, looking at Cinder and keeping to themselves.

"Our sect is popular here, yes," Cinder said. "We... save the people here from a lot of trouble. The mantises are the biggest threat to those who remain within Shitake, but beyond its walls, this area is one of the most dangerous in the empire."

"Oh?" I asked. "I'm presuming it's not merely because of environmental reasons?"

She shook her head, then shifted her grip on her parasol. "The ash is an issue, of course. It clogs the lungs. The unprepared will find themselves coughing and choking on their breath. And it's usually permanent. More than one young, overconfident fool has come to the Ashen Forest and dismissed the warnings about the air here. They pay for it for the rest of their lives with hacking breaths and a persistent cough. But those who live here know how to live with the ash. It's what lurks beneath that's a bigger threat." Cinder gestured to the carriage, indicating for me to climb aboard first.

I nodded in acknowledgement, then climbed in. I heard Cinder speaking with Alex for a moment, giving my maid some directions through the city, then she closed her parasol, tapped it on the ground to dislodge a fine layer of dust, and climbed in herself.

"You were saying, about other threats?" I asked.

"The Ashen Forest is a place of poisons and ash, but there are monsters that thrive in it. The ash is rich in chi. Someone with the right skills can use it to improve their cultivation. Some monsters learn how to do the same, and become exceptionally powerful in the process."

"Like those tasty snails!" Mem said.

I glanced at the mantis. She seemed oddly enthused about these snails. "Care to elaborate?"

"They're snails, and they're tasty," Mem said. "Mem doesn't mind eating them, because they are mean, and not soft and gentle and pretty like dogs and kittens are. They are also tasty."

"The ash snails are a good example, yes. They grow to the size of a man's head and can lay in ambush for days beneath the ash. Their shells are unbreakable to a non-cultivator, and they are known to eat their prey alive," Cinder said.

"Does one need to be sluggish in order to fall for their ambush?" I asked.

Cinder shook her head. "No, they're quite slow, but often they'll only move at night, and very slowly. It's surprising how close to you they can come without you noticing them. They will spend the night moving in on unsuspecting travellers, break into their tents, then strip their flesh off while companions and family can do nothing but watch as the ash snail shell-ebrates its victory."

"I imagine that must leave the locals quite shellshocked," I said. "I'd say that it's one shell of a way to go, hohoh!"

Cinder nodded, the corners of her eyes creasing up in a smile. "Yes. But in all seriousness, they're only one of many threats you can find in the region. They do have a use. Their shells can be ground down to create a very valuable red dye." She ran a hand over her flowing dress, highlighting the red patterns woven into the silk.