He wanted to straight jump up, turn on the light in the room, pulled her blanket, Wake up and make her arrange a wild scandal until the morning. He knew that not only can, but to do it, but somehow hesitated, suddenly feeling within himself unusual shyness, несмелость and struggle.
"Creature! Bitch!" he continued to swear and was surprised to understand that only on this now and capable.
For some reason he suddenly recalled the time when he discovered the existence of the forbidden fruit, hitherto unknown. Then he was barely fourteen years old, and he, at that time the thin, clumsy and shy teenager, very often suffering from, was lying at home with either cold alone. Her mother was at work.
He had been fooled around with images of naked women, he liked раздкеваться under a blanket feel naked body of his touch. His body блаженствовало, taking off the shackles of service, seeming already commonplace and necessary. When George must have known that for a long time is left alone at home, he undressed and walked naked into the rooms. He liked in this form sit nga di van, watch TV and even teach the lessons.
The mother came at the same time, and her coming he dressed and does not issued for his tastes, and inclinations. He could not understand why quite often his penis itself rises, tenses, is elastic, like finger, and for a long time remains in this position. But once, in the same time when George was sick, he solved this riddle.
Lying in bed сперевязанным throat, he, nevertheless, out of habit undressed and lay a long time in this form, thinking about something abstract, fingering a hand over my Horny tip and considering naked women on the cards. Suddenly his thoughts прпервались strange observation. He noticed that the touch of his hand is not a simple one of the pleasant how to touch your naked body, and very nice. He threw the blanket and began to удивлернием consider his dick. Touching his fingers, Zhora noticed that especially pleased to push back the skin back, and bring it back, and the sooner you do, the more pleasant. Soon it became so sweetly, that it was impossible to stop, though his mind, and it came out that he does something wrong, може6т be even worst, and inappropriate. However, the stronger became frightened and disgusted with myself, the непослушнее were made with own hand, and suddenly Zhora felt within himself, in the bottom of her stomach and all over the body some strange changes. It seemed to him that he was dying, but instead tip monster something whitish-pink. It разбрызгалось tiny droplets on the bed. Hand immediately weakened and fell, and the body, his body floated in the waves incomprehensible, for the first time tested sweet languor.
The case was for him a serious shock, from which it could not recover the rest of the day. Despite the fact that what happened was a terribly pleased, he realized that he made some irreparable crime, and, as often happened to him in his childhood, long убивался, rolling around on the floor and вытворяя over an even knows that, because you can't turn back time and live this day as something different, new, not committing this terrible violation. But towards evening, Zhora had calmed down, as everything was left alone, was tempted to do it again, hoping to experience the power of will and believing that nothing of the kind would happen.
However, it's repeated again, and he couldn't help it, though struggled to stay.
Then it happened бесчетное number of times. It seemed to him that he's crazy, but it caught up with him several times a day: and when he is three times from school to an empty apartment, and when the mother was at home (he just locked in a toilet or bathroom). It was his terrible secret and a great shame, fear of being exposed of which he became more shy and withdrawn.
Secret these satisfactions acquired over time, gloomy shades of seclusion and increasingly uncontrollable riot. At first he had some accounting, count how many times a day he did it, and if I managed to curb their instincts for a few days, then regarded and accepted it as the greatest victory. In such days Жорикстановился happier, more relaxed in emotions, and behavior, sociable with friends and acquaintances, he himself was eager longer stay on the people in the yard of the school, the whole world seemed to him the lighter, cleaner and happier. But then everything started first, and then his senses went deep into the world of sadness, and the gloomy domain of seclusion on an iron chain slave submission of lust took too much into himself, into the pit of sweetness and bitterness. And the nightmare of alternation insane attacks Masturbation and bitter remorse, each time following them, making the tear himself physically deliver pain, tearing hair, punish his body behind the weakness of the lust of the soul, repeated again and again.
When he returned from the conclusion of the father, it was too late for him to fix something. Yes, and what he could to help Жоре?
The first time after his возвращенияЖорик somehow internally transformed. He even thought that his soul grew light under a radiant male authority of his father, whom he always honored and respected, despite the long period that he "soldered", and forever be rid of that fear. That distant star, lost somewhere in the dark night of the past and timelessness daily of the present, which was called the father, suddenly surfaced quite close and dispersed the darkness of the night, in which plunged into the life of her son.
Day was the day, and the most important conversation that Zhora had hoped for some reason did not work. Despite the fact that the recognition of the father in such a terrible низочсти which cannot decorate man was cut off as he had hoped from him and think about this sticky contagion, he did not dare so close admitted it to my soul immediately. In their relations still felt some invisible distance to overcome it was not so easy. Zhora hoped that over time, the chill of alienation, сквозивший between father and son after long separation, will be held, and then he can tell him all, but ввместо he вдрунг was dismayed to discover that every day, on the contrary, in their relations, more and more cracks that they are formed in spite of his desire to get closer, and misunderstanding смежду them not decreased but increased.
A month later, George realized that his father would never be able to understand it correctly and help him, that he, in fact, a strange person, who could only laugh at his frankness, and article th day gap and alienation between them have become irreversible.
For Zhora again came the times of loneliness and hidden from the eyes of outsiders orgies alone. Only now the same fears he has added yet and fear of uncontrollability of this element settled inside it. He is afraid that it will fully control his thoughts, displacing all the rest of them, surrendered himself to his weak will and one day (Oh the horror!) cause it not to be considered more nor shame, nor with the framework of decency or morality and the opinion of others.
Several years later, when he was nearing the end of school, to him persistently stuck another fear: earn impotence. He had long since lost счетэтим indiscriminate attacks and heard that the man before the onset of sexual impotence released nature of a specific resource that depends on the health status of the so-called Constitution, but still varies something about ten thousand.
Жоре there was not a little scary. Having apprehended with the youthful immediacy seriously this information, he began to count how much remains to him, and it turned out that they have "worked out", spent already a third of this resource, and that for the rest of your life (Zhora, like any normal person, hoped and hoped was sure even that much time to live) only about seven thousand. It was horrible. Zhora despair understood that robs himself in joy, but could do nothing. The only thing he thought of himself as a consolation is the hope that heard them one day is not more than somebody fiction or наукообразной, unproven hypothesis.
Due to this now-closed, apparently, seclusion, Zhora to the army itself had no close friends. And the awareness that women are not interested in them, even stronger burden of his inferiority complex. So whenever подворачивался case meet some girl and he тушевался, became in her presence awkward movements and inarticulate, inconsistent in the conversation. Often, when a meeting was behind in his mind were the right words, and his movement had the usual freedom and unrestricted, but he had again to be alone with the representative of the better half of mankind, and all over again.
Whether it is necessary to have a strong mind to become clear, in what despair, and sometimes burning, unquenchable longing days passed, weeks, months Жориной life. His soul, crucified sin, пригвожденная to pillory, suffered, taking fruitless attempts of his release.
In life we had to change something, to break out of the vicious circle. He knew it, but did not know that...
George smiled to himself. Of course, now he knew what it meant to do and how to act. Now he knew the answers to many questions that then, in his early youth, seemed impossible. The problem, then that surrounded it by a concrete wall, now lay at his feet. But this mismatch and amused his entire helplessness its provisions. He was not able to help themselves. Knowledge and for their application were permanently separated impenetrable and insidiously-бестрастным enemy — time.
Now they had their problems too, and they're just as before completely different, surrounded its impregnable walls, and, perhaps, in ten years, remembering the days of today, he laughed over them and over them, because again nothing could help themselves.
George turned to another side, trying to drown out all growing passion, again surrendered memories about the history of its struggle with it.
In fact, no fighting and no. It was continuous defeat, which did not end. It was crazy, which he could not cope because of his sexual glands worked with enviable rhythm and with the same rhythm him напирало desire to be free from the seed, when he was released from painful thoughts that yesterday was engaged in маструбацией.
The decision of its problems, it would seem, could become some Horny little slut, about which so much talk going on in the male environment. But this фольклерно-epic image, a kind of masculine ideal, created captures the imagination кобелиной lust, was far different from what occurred in the life, in any case, in Жориной. He убивался on this occasion, suffered and chastised lucky stars that he had no luck with women.
In the life of George, it was not so, as in досужых male росказнях: women themselves at him, not rushed, as it was expected behaved quite reserved and modest. Is it overwhelmingly puzzled. He didn't understand then, and simply did not understand that in any matter, including in such achieving the required effort. Easier to constantly resenting women, insulting himself last words for what they are not interested in, as if in justification engage in Masturbation.
Strangely enough, but the deliverance comes from where it Zhora not waited he thundered into the army and came to the place where was dominated by harsh laws and were the most brutal and fierce dembelya — in spetsnaz.
The first time he did not remember himself.
Morning started with the unusually early morning. Опаздывавших drove нещадными kicks and blows into operation fierce sergeants of the " old boys", which do not have any law other than its own. Petty officer, ensign, hog kilogram of one hundred and fifty frantically turned the eyes. Those who tried to complain about the severity of the barracks orders or awards reinforced outfits in the most abominable place, or ringleaders in каптерку and beat himself hooting заслужившихся "grandfathers".
In five zero zero they have done the March with the full kit. After a whole day of classes, where they were taught only one thing — to kill. In the evening, as the outfit or, if it happened to stay in the barracks, the bluster, and humiliation by the "grandfathers".
In the first six months of army life Zhora completely forgot who he was. Memories of the old life failed somewhere in the unfathomable depths of his memory and no longer pop up out of there, leaving him alone with this hell, who became his life. While he was awake, he was under the watchful gaze of the "grandfathers", which did not give neither he nor any other single minute to breathe. When he slept, he slept like a dead man, without dreams. If he fell into the black nothingness, just touching the stiff cotton pillows, and returned it to life only in the morning kick from the Sergeant.
In the army Zhora even forgot that he was a man and began to think about it only when passed the first year of his service. But it was something else. During this year of the lanky, he turned into a tightly downed Hulk, discreetly covered pile of tissues. His thoughts became rougher, straighter and easier, and ever he вспоминалне otherwise, as with contempt, for that was unspeakably grateful to the harsh school of spetsnaz.
When passed half a year of service, Zhora already was a Sergeant himself with as much pleasure as drove хлюпиков recruits, brought up and beat the muzzle. Then he knew that at night, in the officer shook the store-room there are vodka and women, and that when they drink, they are rebellious and wicked not less than in the men's fables, and these fables now looked pale and dim the background of the fact, that worked at night babenka from a neighboring village and dembelya-grandparents from spetsnaz.
In his home town of George returned from the army completely different person and suddenly discovered that all women laying at his feet, — choose to taste what you want. However, they were already over, the women with whom he had to deal, and have not required a lengthy courtship, удовольствуясь principle of "one hundred grams, walk to the tram — and I'm yours forever, or at night." And everything was George nothing, if not met him Veronica.
She's cool met the first onset of the brave gentleman, and he became ill of her. This carcass that knew no one lewd Orgy couldn't do anything with the newly awaken the soul, demanding and wishing to love. She was so irrelevant to her that this inner disharmony spilled into the outer world and ended the marriage Zhora Бегетова, which apparently began his misadventures: women all somewhere suddenly evaporated, and now he was lying back to back with an impersonal wife, and there was it warm.
Chapter 7. (03).
"I'll just go one or not?" thought Gladyshev, nervously glancing at the policeman, sitting on watch at the entrance. A policeman talking to some man, apparently, acquaintances, not paying attention until the Gladysheva.
