Chapter Fourteen — A Very High Cinnamon Bun
“Ow,” I said.Then I touched the bump on my head. “Oww!”I was crouching down on the second floor platform, both hands pressing down on a nice lump with my eyes closed. It took a while before the pain ebbed away and I dared to open my eyes and look down at just what had bonked my head.There was a spade on the ground, just sort of laying there, with a cross-shaped handle and a shaft made of a whitish wood. The metal bit at the end looked nice and new and there was a big ‘J’ embossed on the plate.“Really?” I asked.The Dungeon was being very rude with its rewards. Still, a new... weapon of sorts was better than nothing. I wondered if it counted as makeshift? It was a good thing that my reward hadn’t been a mace.I picked up the spade and swung it around a little to test its weight and balance. I could tell from my experimental swings that I knew nothing about swinging any sort of weapon around. “Insight.”A Spade of Jacks, new.“Huh. Okay, so a sort of gift for finishing the last room by helping Jack. I wonder if clearing the room in other ways gives other rewards? Do you know, mister Menu?”The Insight information box popped away. Poor mister Menu was so shy.I shook my head and pulled up the screen for Insight.InsightRank D — 100%The Ability to know something. The knowledge you gain is further increased.You have no General Skill Points! You cannot increase Insight to Rank C!“What’s a general skill point?” I wondered aloud. It wasn’t a Class Skill Point. I had two of those just sitting around and trying to think about clicking them to Insight just made my head feel fuzzy. So that wasn’t it. Oh well, a question to ask someone once I was out of here and found civilisation.“Well, onwards,” I said as I hiked my backpack back on.The path down was filled with mushy mushrooms to skip from. I was a little less careful this time since I was so close to the ground floor already. I was pretty sure that with Jumping at rank D I could survive the fall mostly unhurt, and each mushroom down made that a little more likely.Then a caterpillar stuck its head out from behind one of the mushrooms and blew a thick plume of pinkish smoke at me.I waved a hand before my face, but the thick smoggy smoke was already down my throat. That was one rude caterpillar.It pulled out a large hookah and took another big puff, cheeks ground big as it got ready to spray me again.Then I landed on its head.Ding! Congratulations, you have smoked hookapillar, level 2!I landed at the base of the Dungeon’s pillar coughing like mad. My first step missed the ground and when I stumbled and tried to reach the wall it was to find it a whole foot farther than I had thought. It didn’t help that everything felt like it was spinning just a little bit, like one of those tea-cup rides at amusement parks but really slowly.“I-insight,” I said, aiming the skill onto myself.A very high Cinnamon Bun, level 3.I... I had taken drugs? Was this the peer pressure my family had warned me about. My mom would be... mildly disappointed that I had smoked something without taking the proper precautions. There was only so much disappointment a mostly-ex hippie could give when it came to the subject of drugs. I’d seen my parents pictures of their time at Woodstock.Oh no, I was thinking in tangents!Was it the drugs?Was I a delinquent now? I didn’t look good in black, and wearing spikes would make me less huggable!“Menu!” I said and grabbed at the manu when it appeared. “Quick, I need a drug resistance power, quick!”The menu popped away with what I imagined, or hoped I imagined, was a huff of annoyance.It was okay, I could figure it out.I started pacing the bottom of the dungeon, eating a circle around the small hill in the middle while taking big, huge gulps of air to clear my system. A few glances here and there and the occasional snoop behind some of the sharp rocks surrounding the clearing didn’t reveal much at all. I decided that I might as well waste time productively and sat down with my back to the wall and took out my map making gear, which was mostly the same bit of coal and my dungeon map.Adding the additional rooms and some details ate up nearly half an hour.
“Yep,” I said as I looked over my work. “That’s certainly almost a map.” I stuffed it away and considered napping, but I had a strange sort of energy and was starting to be really hungry. “Insight.”A very buzzed Cinnamon Bun, level 3That would have to do.I got up, tossed my backpack back on and moved over to the archway set in the far wall. Carefully carved stones formed a delicate arch which was filled to the very brim with climbing vines and all sorts of plants. They were so thick in the passage that I couldn’t see more than a foot into the tunnel.Was I meant to hack my way through? That didn’t feel right. Every other challenge in the dungeon had a non-violent answer to it. Maybe I was meant to use the shrinking potion?I poked at the wall of vines with my spade and watched, fascinated, as they all receded away like curtains being pulled aside on a stage. It revealed a long, dark path. “Spooky,” I said.Lights began to appear in the tunnel, first in the distance, then closer and closer, each new point of light a little brighter until I could make out the flickering of torches tied to the walls. Soon, a pair of torches just a few meters into the tunnel lit up with a crackling woosh.“Neat.”I stepped into the passageway and walked along it, making sure to always have one foot on solid ground and keeping an eye out for traps. I even took one of the torches out of its sconce and held it aloft like a real adventurer would, or at least those in my books.The long tunnel led into a room that reminded me a little of the dungeon’s main area, only there were no big colourful mushrooms here and the ceiling above was covered in sharp stones jutting downwards.In the center of the room, monoliths loomed up in a circle that reminded me of Stonehenge without the caps. The room smelled faintly like ammonia, but the constant breeze made the smell come and go even as it rustled the dry grass growing between the stones on the ground.“Hello?” I asked aloud.A case of content theft: this narrative is not rightfully on Amazon; if you spot it, report the violation.The place looked dangerous. A clear and obvious shift from the otherwise bright and almost cheery atmosphere of the rest of the dungeon.“Oh, my oh my, a late night snack.”I spun around, searching for the source of the voice but finding nothing.“I’m not over there,” came a whisper from behind me.I turned again and found only an orange-ish whisp fading away so fast that I wasn’t sure I had actually seen anything. “Um, hi, my name is Broccoli,” I said.“Are you as scrumptious as your name implies?” the voice said. Every word came from a new direction and I gave up trying to trace it.“I’m not for eating, I’m for making friends with,” I told the person. “We could be friends too, if you stop with the weird voice thing. Unless you can’t? I’m sorry. If you can’t help yourself then we can still be friends, I promise I won’t judge.”I slowly lowered my backpack next to one of the pillars and stood with nothing but my spade in one hand, the tip poking into the grass between my feet.“Oh, you are a... treat.”Something bit my bum. Hard teeth sinking through the material of my skirt and into my skin before I shrieked and jumped five feet into the air.“So tasty, and those reactions. Lovely!”This time I saw the thing, a quick insight going off even as I pressed a hand to my butt and tried not to cry.It was a cat, or the head of a cat. It had one malevolent green eye, the other white and milky. Its huge mouth was twisted in a cruel smirk before it slipped into the shadows.The zombie of Cheshire, Boss, level 5Level five? But this was a level two to four dungeon? Had the prompt lied or was the Cheshire cat the end boss?“Y-you know, touching a girl like that without permission is exceptionally rude.”“Oh? Have I been rude?” the cat purred. The rumble was so deep I felt it in my chest.Something brushed past between my legs, soft and furry, like a cat begging for attention. I swung my spade around but hit only empty air before teeth sank into my thigh.I screamed, my hand shooting out and firing a cleaning spell into the first thing I touched.“Tingly,” Cheshire said from the shadows, all the shadows. “But that only adds to the flavour, doesn’t it?”“S-stop hiding!” I screamed while my hand shakily took stock of my wounds. Blood was flowing freely down my inner thigh and into my socks. Not too much, but more than I ever wanted to see.“Hrmm, if the snack asks so politely,” Cheshire said.He appeared in the middle of the stone circle, a huge orange furred cat covered in black stripes with a large cattish grin that looked like it could chew me whole.I jumped to the side a moment before the cat charged at me mouth wide open to take a nibble out of me. The jaw snapped shut, and with that snap the cat disappeared like sand in the wind.I couldn’t do it. The cat was too big, the level difference way too large. I looked to the exit and saw that the passage was still unblocked. It was just down a couple of hundred meters of narrow tunnel that I was certain the cat could shoot through with ease.“Darn it,” I said.A whisper of a rough tongue moving over lips was the only warning I had, but it was enough for me to duck out of the way of another attempt from the huge cat to chow on me.I kicked upwards, putting all of my jumping skill into the act of kicking the Cheshire only for the cat to spin out of the path of my kick as if I had announced it days ago.“Such a slow little kitten,” the Cheshire said mockingly. “Do continue to struggle though. I enjoy the game.”“I won’t let you eat me!” I swore at the cat. Rolling to my feet, I ran over to my backpack and started rooting within, the task made harder by the spade in my hand.“More toys?” the cat asked.I pulled out the wrong thing, my magic wand instead of what I was looking for, but I still flung it at the orange cat when it stuck its head out of the nearest corner.“Naughty naughty!” he said before slinking back.Then I found it.I tossed it into my left hand and held on tight as I started looking for the cat. “Come at me, you unfunny Garfield wannabe!” I shouted. I... was still not very good at taunting. I blamed the wet throbbing of my thigh.The Cheshire giggled maniacally. “Come at you? Very well.”The cat came around one of the pillars and rushed right at me. My spade swished through the air, but all it did was bonk the cat on the head. Then I punched out with my left hand, right at the cat’s open mouth.I hit its rough tongue with a wet squelch and probably didn’t so much as leave a bruise. Teeth, long and dagger-like, snapped around my shoulder and armpit.I screamed, my entire body trashing as the cat’s tongue ran over my arm and it made disgustingly pleased sounds. My spade came down again and again on its big ugly head but it didn’t seem to do anything. I wanted to unleash my magic, but had to keep it back, for just a little while.The potion bottle in my hand burst. I felt the juice of it mix with the cat’s saliva. My spade hit the ground with a clatter and I reached up to grab the cat by a fistfull of its fur.“You are not friend material!” I shouted as the cat’s eyes went wide and it began to shrink. The monster tried to go intangible, but my arm, still in its mouth, fired a tiny burst of cleaning magic at its zombie flesh and it returned to normal.It shrunk and shrunk. I had to squeeze my arm out of its throat, but its slick saliva helped with that.It was no bigger than a kitten now, a ball of orange-black fluff that I held by the scruff.“I will eat you!” it squeaked.I glared. “Eat this.”A burst, a full half of my remaining mana, shot into the kitty and it burst apart into a shower of orange motes.Ding! Ding! Ding! Congratulations, you have defeated Dungeon Boss: Zombie Cheshire, level 5! For defeating an enemy above your level, bonus exp is gained! For defeating a Dungeon boss, bonus exp is gained!“Not now,” I told the menu. The pile of notifications faded away a moment later, still there, but out of sight.I crashed to my knees and cried as I cradled my arm to my side. My thigh was no better. It hurt, hurt more than anything I had ever felt before. But for all that it hurt it was an impotent pain, one I couldn’t do anything about.I pushed a bit of my mana into my body, and all that accomplished was wiping the wounds clean and reopening them to the sting of fresh air.So I decided that the best thing to do was to have a sit and cry for a bit.
Chapter Fifteen — The Last One Smiling
Health 59/110Stamina 115/115Mana 37/105 I was worried. For a few long minutes my health had slowly but surely ticked down every few seconds, going from a not very healthy seventy something to the low sixties. Now it had stopped and held at fifty-nine for a few minutes, or as close as I could reckon.“Okay, okay,” I said as I shifted to the side and opened my backpack. I found the blanket I had nabbed from the first floor and set it down before using it as a spot to sit on. “I’m ready, Mister Menu.”Bing Bong! Congratulations, your Cinnamon Bun class has reached level 4!Health + 5Resilience +5You have gained: One Class PointYou have unlocked: One Class Skill SlotThat was nice. I glanced at my status as soon as the giddiness washing through me passed.Health 64/115Stamina 115/115Mana 38/105That was really nice, even if I didn’t feel all that much better. Still, I would take it. Another level, another skill point and another class skill. That last could be very useful if I got something that wasn’t Cleaning or Jumping.“Next one, mister Menu,” I said.Congratulations! Through repeated actions your Makeshift Weapon Proficiency skill has improved and is now eligible for rank up!Rank E is a free rank!Makeshift Weapon ProficiencyRank E — 00%The ability to use non-weapons as weapons. Your ability to find and use makeshift weapons has improved.“That’ll be handy,” I said as I patted my spade. It hadn’t served all that well in the last fight, but I was sure that would change eventually. Plus a spade just seemed useful to have. “What’s after that, mister Menu?”I found a jar of honey and a spoon while I waited for the next pop up.Dungeon Cleared!All adversaries with The Wonderland Dungeon Defeated.All Bosses DefeatedBroccoli Bunch, Cinnamon bun, level 4 is awarded the Wonderlander class.All class slots filled.Replace current class with Wonderlander?Replacing your current class will reset your level 0.“Heck no!” I said as fast as I could. No way was I going to get reset to level zero just like that.Class: Wonderlander set in abeyance until Class Slot becomes available.I hummed as I considered that. It seemed as if my earlier hunch about multiple classes was right. That begged the question though, how did you get a second class? Maybe it would happen when I hit level one hundred. That seemed almost reasonable. At my current rate I would be... long dead because I ran into something scary that gobbled me up.Oh well, I thought, maybe I’d figure it out later.Health 65/115Stamina 115/115Mana 39/105My health was rising, that was excellent news. I wasn’t going to die!My mood somewhat improved, I got to my feet, wincing at the pull of mending flesh over my thigh. Packing everything back up into my backpack, and crossing half the room to retrieve my magic wand was a huge pain in the butt. Literally. But I got everything sorted and took another look at the room.There were now two glowing portals between two sets of the stone monoliths. I should probably have noticed those earlier.One had a blurry image or what I recognized as Threewells, just outside of the dungeon. The other was a hazy image of a small room with a stone pillar at its middle. Atop the pillar, and covered in glowing roots, was an egg of sorts.Quest Update!You have found the Evil Root. Destroy it to Cleanse the Land!“Oh,” I said as I took in the pulsing form. My hand reached out and brushed against the portal, slipping through it without so much as a whisper, though I felt something tingling under my skin, as if I was using my cleaning spell without actually using it. Funky.I closed my eyes and stepped through, then opened them again.I was now in a much smaller room, tight, even, with dirt walls and large, cruel-looking roots crawling across the ground and up the plinth.“Whoa,” I said as I moved closer to the egg-thing in the middle. It was too round to be an actual egg, and too glowy and see-through as well. I felt... funny, just standing next to it.Health 97/115Stamina 135/115Mana 275/105“Oh, yikes,” I said as I took in my stats. That was probably not supposed to happen. No complaining about the faster healing though, and I did feel oodles better. I fired an ‘insight’ at the orb, then the freaky roots.The Dungeon Core for the Wonderland DungeonAn Evil Root.“Well, that’s simple enough, isn’t it,” I said.I poked the evil root and fired a blast of cleaning magic into it, then, when that did nothing, a stronger blast that lowered my mana down to the low two-hundreds.When that didn’t work I gave it a smack with the edge of my spade.It didn’t even leave a mark.Quest Update!You have found the Evil Root. You are too weak to Destroy the Evil Root. Break the Core and let the Root Starve.“That sounds wildly dangerous,” I said to the quest menu.The menu merely shifted to the side as if to say ‘there’s the core, get smacking.’Something about the smooth motions of the quest menu, the way it seemed to be more reactive, told me that it wasn’t mister Menu. I was going to call it miss Menu not to confuse the two.“Well, here goes,” I said as I poked the core and fired a cleaning spell into it. If that didn’t work, then it was back to using the spade.The magic washed across the core, starting from where my finger touched it, then racing all the way to the other side as a glowing ring before returning. Then, with a glass-like crunch, the core cracked. At first just a small little hairline, then it expanded and raced across the surface, like the videos I’d seen of antarctic ice breaking apart.Dungeon WarningDungeon Stability Failing.Evacuate.“Oh, shoot,” I said as I turned tail and ran. I dove through the first portal, then almost tripped when the ground of the boss room heaved underfoot. The sharp rocks above, stalactites? Mites? Loosened and began to crash to the ground around me like thrown spears and the monoliths trembled.If you spot this story on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.I hung onto the straps of my backpack and jumped through the portal to the exit.It snapped away just as I was about to pass through.“Ohhh, shoot, that’s very not good,” I said as I spun around and started running for the tunnel.Part of the floor jutted up and I jumped over it, clearing a good ten feet before landing in a sprint. If jumping was faster than running, then that’s what I would do. My sack bounced atop my back with every hop but I didn’t have time to ditch it.I exploded out into the main dungeon shaft to find that the sky above was hazy and warped, like a television with a bunch of magnets stuck to it. The walls were trembling here too, loose stones clattering to the ground with crunches that would have been loud if they weren’t competing with the entire world going full apocalypse..I bounced from mushroom to mushroom, moving as fast as I could with no concern for safety because safety was for when the world wasn’t literally falling apart. The tunnel into the time bunny room was broken, part of the floor and ceiling cracked so bad I had to take off my backpack and fling in through before I leaped down the remaining hole feet-first.Something caught at my neck and my hat fell off just as the ceiling rumbled and the opening started to close.I reached in and yanked my hat back a moment before the whole thing shuddered to a close.“Close,” I gasped before jumping to my feet, grabbing my backpack, and running.I took the ladder two rungs at a time and set foot in Threewells once more just as the shaft behind me collapsed, the world shifted sideways and a wave of what I could only assume was pure magic burst through the air like a bomb going off.My knees gave out and I collapsed in a heap, gasping for air like a fish out of water.“Hah,” I said. Then another laugh escaped. “Haha... hahaha!” Soon I was rolling on the ground, not because I was tired, but because the adrenaline coursing through me made me feel lightheaded and funny and everything was hilarious.Quest Complete!The world thanks you for your sacrifice!That only made me laugh harder, even if it wasn’t funny.Wonderland Dungeon Core Destroyed!You have gained: Two General PointsI was laughing so hard by then that I was seriously worried, at the very back of my mind, that I might pee myself. My legs were kicking the ground and I was clutching at my sides and rolling.Congratulations! Through repeated actions your Jumping skill has improved and is now eligible for rank up!Rank C costs one (1) Class PointBut like all good things the fit of maniacal laughter came to an end.I sat up, then dusted my skirt before checking it for damage. There were a few holes punched into the leather of my armoured skirt, and the cotton of my normal skirt fared little better. My stockings were... pretty much ruined. Fortunately it wasn’t cold out wherever I was. Not compared to back home.Stretching as I stood up, I took in the town. There were more plants and such than I remembered, and the air felt vibrant somehow, thick with magic. It was nice. The sky was a burnt orange above, fading slowly into darkness.I looked down and took in the large crater where the dungeon had been. There wasn’t much left there. Then my eyes picked up something laying at my feet. “Insight?”An enchanted Cheshire Cat’s Collar, newLoot from the final boss, perhaps. I picked it up and examined it. The collar was offensively orange, with thin black lines across it and a little pendant at the front that looked like a smiling kitty mouth.“Okay then,” I said as I shoved it in my backpack. A thing for later. Right now I had to... do...I looked around, then down to my hands.“Now what?”A New Quest!Pruning the EvilEvil Roots Remain! Dungeons across Dirt are Infected! Destroy them!“Okay, so that’s a ‘what,’” I said. I took a few steps, then paused. I wasn’t sure where to go, what to do. The last hour had been... a lot. Too much even. All I wanted now was my bed, and, and maybe my mom and my dad. We could have a family hug and mom would burn the supper and dad would complain about the environment and then the price of gas and-“Focus Broccoli,” I said. “Focus. You did it. You took out a whole dungeon. You’re awesome. Now you just need to... to make friends.”Right. That was a goal, one even better than some silly no-reward quest. I would find some really cool people and we’d form an awesome party and have the greatest adventures together!In the meantime, I could check out a few last things in the town. Check up on that nice ghost in the inn, look into that one building with the big locked door, then, then maybe I’d spend the night in Threewells one last time before hitting the road.Resolve all firmed up, I allowed a smile to cross my face and strolled across the town, checking in at all the houses I had missed along the way.Not much remained of them, the houses nearest the side I had decided to call the North were all in much worse repair, with caved in roofs and walls with holes torn into them. There wasn’t even a ghost snooping around to scare poor level one adventurers.The Inn was as I remembered it. I stepped in and looked around, then made my way all the way up to the top floor. “Mister Ghost?” I called out.But there was nothing. My wispy friend was gone.On the bed where a corpse had lain was now a small ring that looked to be made of bronze.Bronze ring of cleared soul.I picked it up with a cloth and stuffed it away. I kind of wanted to try it out, it was certainly laid out the way someone would leave a gift, but I didn’t dare put on any sort of soul-related rings. I had read Lord of the Rings, I knew better. Broccoli would not be a pretty Gollum.The sun was nearly completely down. Rather than venture out to my tiny hidey hole I found one of the less disgusting beds, fired off a few dozen mana’s worth of cleaning magic into it, then flopped down.I was asleep almost as soon as my head hit the mattress.
