Chapter One Hundred and Ten — Losing is Fun
Chapter One Hundred and Ten — Losing is Fun I was kind of excited for the last fight. I bounced on the side of the stage, feeling a ton lighter after I had visited the facilities. The crowds seemed just as excited as I was to get things going.“Ladies, gentlemen, others! Welcome to the finals!”Wild whistles and cheers filled the air and the band joined in with an upbeat fanfare that was almost lost in the sea of noise.“In this last bout of our lowest bracket, we will see two incredible warriors pit their skill and cunning against each other in a battle that you will be telling your grandchildren about!” Zac yelled. “On the right, hailing from the deep sun-scorched hell of the Ostri Desert, a lady of the shifting sands, comes Orion Firstdaughter, the Sandsword!”The name suggested that Orion was a girl, but it was hard to tell. The person that danced onto the stage was one of the tall Ostri people, her body covered in tan wraps broken only where thumb-thick metal rods poked into and through her arms and legs like extreme piercings. She didn’t look very girlish at first, but she was thinner, more lithe, than any of the Ostri I’d yet seen. Her wraps had tiny, subtle flowers embroidered into its material along the edges. They didn’t look super fashionable, but were probably nice and cosy when worn in the open desert. I couldn’t imagine the metal bars pinned through her limbs were the same though.“Hailing from lands unknown, the strangest competitor in this tournament, and one that has won some lucky folks a lot of gold, the one, the only, Broccoli Bunch!”I hopped up onto the stage and placed my chair down next to me so that I could wave at all the people cheering. I was never one for being the centre of attention, but I could see why some people liked it.“I have heard some about your exploits,” Orion said. Her voice was scratchy and smooth, with just the hint of an accent that was hard to place. British, maybe? “You fight strangely, but to great success. Cunning in the face of power. Respectable.”“Ah, thank you,” I said. “I haven’t heard anything about you, I didn’t want to cheat or anything, but I’ve heard that the Ostri are really tough and honourable. I hope we have a fun spar!” Orion nodded, her upper body dipping in a sort of almost-bow. “You are interesting, little bun. I think that were you to spend time in the desert many males would ask you to carry their seed.”“Uh.” I looked away. “Th-thanks, I think. I’m not ready to be a mommy yet though.”Orion stared at me, beady eyes fixed on me through her goggles. “When a male gives a female his seed pouch, it means he wishes to settle. It does not make you pregnant,” Orion explained slowly. “That comes later.”“Oh.” I scratched my cheek. “Sorry. I guess I kind of assumed there. I should learn more about the Ostri before I put my foot in my mouth even more.”“All in due time,” Orion said. She reached to her waist, where two swords hung from her belt in metal loops. She drew them out smoothly, the air ringing with the sound of metal sliding over metal. They were strange swords, curved, but with a heavy triangular profile, and about as long as my arm from wrist to shoulder. “Nice sword!” I said. “Real curvy. All I have is this chair.”Orion tilted her head to the side. “Do you want me to set my khopesh aside? It would be a more fair test of our skills.”I shook my head. “It’s okay! As long as you don’t kill me or anything.”Orion shifted, long limbs snapping to her sides with her swords spun around in tight arcs around her hands, ending with the left in an icepick grip and the right held out before her. “My swords will only cut that which I will them to.”The walls went up around us and I picked up my chair. “Let’s start then!” She was fast. That was the first thing I noted. In less time than it took to blink Orion was swooping down from above, swords swinging in from two directions.I shoved my chair up, trying to block the path of the swords, but her swords slid through the chair as if it was carved out of butter. I stumbled back, barely avoiding the tip of one blade while the other raced in from below.Thinking fast, I jumped backwards, planted a foot against the wall, and let myself fall. When I was nearly horizontal I shot forwards with a burst of stamina that sent me flying past Orion to roll back to my feet a few paces behind her. “Wow, that was scary!” I said.“Indeed,” Orion said.She raised a hand towards me. The rods in her arms started to glow a hot red and I saw the intricate form of runes glowing through the wraps over her skin.I jumped to the side just as a burst of air exploded out ahead of Orion. The sudden wind picked me and threw me off my feet. My hat would have flown off if it wasn’t for the holes with my ears stuck through them.I stood onto shaky legs and shook my head to clear it. “That was something,” I said.“I didn’t want to use my fire, lightning or blood runes. It wouldn’t do to kill such a promising opponent when you’ve been nothing but cordial,” Orion said. “That’s appreciated,” I said. “Um. How hard have you been holding back in this tournament?” I asked.“I’m an Ostri warrior,” was Orion’s reply.“Right.” I shot forwards and past Orion, narrowly avoiding a lazy swipe of her sword. Feet bunched before me, I landed on the wall, then shot back towards Orion’s back.She twisted around, moving far faster than I thought possible for someone so big. One of her swords dropped and her huge hand wrapped around the leg I was trying to kick her with. Stolen novel; please report.My eyes went wide as she spun me around in the air and smacked me into the ground back-first.I coughed, air blasted out of my lungs while little stars flashed through my vision.“Are you well?” Orion asked as she looked down to me.Health 127/135Stamina 97/145Mana 120/120“I guess so,” I said. “Bit, ah, winded.” I rolled over onto my tummy, then pushed myself up to my feet. Rubbing the back of a hand across my mouth, I cleaned it of saliva. “You’re pretty fast.”“You’re rather bouncy.” Orion said.I grinned. “I don’t think I’m gonna win this one,” I said.“Not unless you have a lot more hidden under your wraps.”I shook my head. “Nope, but I can try!” I decided that if I was going to lose, I might as well have some fun with it. I bounced over to Orion, ducked under a quick swipe of her sword-while making sure my ears were folded back-and then hopped up to kick her in the chest. At least, that’s what I tried to do, she twisted around the kick and flicked her sword to the ground where it stuck with a twang. What followed was a quick and sloppy exchange of blows. For every kick I tried, Orion had a simple counter, every punch was casually pushed to the side, and my one attempt to hit her with a burst of cleaning magic was deflected by a magical shield that sprouted from the runes on her arms. I tried infusing my kicks with some mana, but all that did was push Orion into doing the same. I knew things weren’t going to end well before she slapped my kicking foot down, spun around, and rammed the heel of a boot into my gut.I crashed onto my back for a second time. “Ow.”Rolling over, I found myself right next to a bit of my chair, just a bit of the leg and some of the bars that made up the back of it. I wrapped a hand around the leg and got to my feet. Swinging it around in a little flourish, I turned to face Orion, now fully armed. Orion tugged one of her swords out of the ground.I pouted. “I’m afraid I can’t hold back forever. Your skills are lacking. I would suggest training a great deal more,” Orion said.I nodded. “Yeah, I figured as much.”“Good.”And then she was right in my face, my stick was flung off to the side, and a fist was rocketing towards my chin.
* * *
I blinked awake in a room that was a whole lot darker than the arena had been. My hat was gone, and I was resting on something soft and warm. Staring up, I found myself meeting Awen’s bright blue eyes. “Did I lose?” I asked.“Awa, a little bit?”A snort from somewhere else in the room announced Amaryllis’ presence. “You can’t lose a little bit. It’s an all or nothing sort of thing.”“I think she was trying to make me feel better about it,” I observed as I shifted around and got up. I’d been resting my head on Awen’s lap, and judging by the way my hair was all straightened out, she had been combing me while I slept. “That’s a waste of time,” Amaryllis said. “I doubt many things could get you down.”I sat on the edge of what turned out to be a little cot, then took in the room. It wasn’t an infirmary or anything like that. More of a bedroom that had been cleared of furniture. There was a little moldy smell in the air and the small window in the corner was covered up by thick drapes. “I did just lose,” I pointed out.She crossed her wings. “And did that make you sad?”I thought about it for a moment. “Not really, I guess. More... minorly disappointed. But I did get to have lots of fun and I got lots of practice in!” I could sorta feel two notifications waiting for my attention, though maybe feel wasn’t the right word. It was more like a constant reminder in the back of my mind to not forget to buy milk, but different. “Give me a second,” I said. Congratulations! Through repeated actions your Makeshift Weapons Proficiency skill has improved and is now eligible for rank up!Rank C Costs One General Skill Point!That was handy! I wasn’t sure if I would spend the point on it just yet, but the skill had turned out to be really useful a few times already. I dismissed the notification and looked at the next one. Congratulations! Through repeated actions your Way of the Mystic Bun skill has improved and is now eligible for rank up!Rank E is a free rank!“Awesome!” I cheered. “Awa, what is it?” Awen asked.“My new merge skill levelled up,” I said. “Way of the Mystic Bun. Ah, I’ll have to ask Booksie about it, but so far it seems like some sort of magic-using martial art. I bet it’s super cool at higher levels!”“Oh, wow,” Awen said. She clapped happily for me, then scooted over to the edge of the cot. “Um. What do we do now?” she asked.“Ah... I don’t know. I guess we collect our winnings and then we go out for lunch? I’m starving! Hey, wait, where’s Booksie?”Amaryllis sighed. “Like a chick after the first shiny thing she sees,” she muttered before tossing a jingling bag onto my lap. “I got a few more gold from the mustachio’d bastard than we had initially bargained for. I suppose it’ll be enough for you to pay for our meals.”“Miss Booksie is outside the room,” Awen answered my other question. “We can go now, if you want. Um, I think people might recognize you though. You’re quite popular now.”“We could grab lunch to go if it bothers you,” I said.“N-no, not unless it bothers you,” Awen said.Amaryllis sighed. “Idiots, the both of you. Now come on. I could use a bite too.”
* * *
Chapter One Hundred and Eleven — Seize the Date
Chapter One Hundred and Eleven — Seize the Date It was during breakfast-the inn had a nice serving of ‘bun acceptable’ foods, which mostly meant that I got a plate full of fruits and some still-warm pastries (no eggs!) to munch on while the others chowed down on sausages and such-that the thought hit me.“Ah, we didn’t tell Rhawrexdee when to meet, did we?” I asked. “Who is that?” Booksie asked.“Oh, that’s the dragon. We’re supposed to meet him today,” I explained.Booksie nodded. “Ah, yes, the dragon. Did you want help with that?” I brightened. “We’d love help! What do you know about romance?” The bun flushed. “I might have read a book or two. And I’ve been on my share of dates and such. I never did find someone that was just right for me though.”I reached over and patted her head. “Then we’d love your help! I’ve never really been on a date and, um.” I looked towards Amaryllis, the question obvious in my eyes.“Don’t look at me that way, you daft moron,” Amaryllis said. “I don’t think harpy-dating customs would apply in this sort of situation, regardless of if I did or did not date anyone before.”“But you didn’t?” I asked.She turned her head away from me, stabbed a sausage with the tip of a talon, then tore a bite out of it. “Awa, I, I’ve been on dates before.”Amaryllis choked on her sausage. Awen wilted under our combined stares. Even Orange was looking at her weird. “Aw-awa, it was only a few times?” she shrank deeper into her seat. “Um. With some noblemen, and, and with some chaperones. Nothing untoward happened.”I shifted my seat so that I was a little closer and grabbed her hands. “Tell us! Was it romantic? Did you kiss anyone? Did the boys have nice chins?” Awen shook her head. “It wasn’t that nice. We just walked around and they bought me some things that I didn’t really want, and sometimes, when the chaperones were busy, they would get handsy. I didn’t enjoy it at all.”“You poor thing,” I said.“Perhaps I’ve been fortunate,” Booksie said. She was tapping a bit of lettuce contemplatively against her chin. “My first dates were... mixed, but some of the later ones were fun. I was a little older though. This was a few years before I left for Port Royal.”“They went well?” I asked. “How come?” “Ah, the boys were nice. We didn’t have too much in common unfortunately, but they were attractive. I can’t really pin what made them fun or not. Sorry. Waking up somewhere different the next morning is always awkward though.”A terribly inappropriate giggle escaped me at the same time as Awen gasped. Amaryllis just rolled her eyes, but her blasé attitude couldn’t hide her blush.The sudden screaming and yelling and general sounds of panic from outside had us all bolting to our feet.I picked up my shovel and pack and shot out of the door after my friends who were stumbling down the corridors of the inn. We burst out onto a street where people were running. It was easy enough to guess where Rhawrexdee had landed. We just needed to wade through the crowds moving in the opposite direction.The closer we got the centre of town, the fewer people there were. Only a few very brave guards remained, the armour over their legs clanking together with fright.We slipped past a rough formation of them and stepped onto the town square. Judging by the half-deconstructed scaffolding and the lack of a stage, the people in charge of yesterday’s festival had been hard at work taking things apart. That would be complicated somewhat, I imagined, by the dragon currently flattening one of the stages. Rhawrexdee was still as grand and formidable as when I had first laid eyes on him. More, maybe. His scales seemed freshly cleaned. Maybe he’d taken a dip in the ocean? His cart-sized head turned towards us and his lips peeled back to show off twin rows of glistening crocodile teeth. “Ah, you arrive at last. I was afraid that I’d need to start destroying parts of this town until you scurry out.”I felt Awen and Amaryllis slip behind me, and Booksie was rooted to the spot, ears ramrod straight above her head. “Hello Rhawrexdee!” I called out. “We weren’t sure when to expect you, so we were having breakfast at the inn while we waited.”The dragon tilted his head to the side. “Fair enough, I suppose. I myself despise skipping breakfast. A sheep a day keeps the teeth white and so on.”I nodded along. “Sure. I’m glad you showed up.”“I am nothing if not punctual, and also a dragon.” He shifted, long neck moving sinuously like the snake preparing to strike so that I had to look up to meet his eyes. “Now, I am certain you spent the last few days preparing to teach me how to court...” he glanced to my right where Amaryllis was standing. “Beautiful princess-y maidens?” I worked to keep my smile on. “Yup. We’ve been doing, ah, nothing but work on that. This entire time.”“Excellent,” he said.Oh, good, he was gullible and I wasn’t going to be eaten.“Yuuuup. We just need to, um, talk. Over there. For a moment. Hey, do you speak the local tongue?” “I do not,” Rhawrexdee said. “Though my mother did make me take lessons to learn ancient Pyrowalkian. We do need to keep to some of the older ways, after all.”“Brilliant!” I said as I grabbed onto my friends and dragged them off to the side. We stopped next to a neat pile of lumber. “We need a plan.”“Awa, we could run?”I shook my head. “He can fly.”Booksie raised a trembling hand. “May I ask... what exactly is going on?” Stolen from its rightful author, this tale is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.I swallowed. “Well, see, it goes something like this. That nice blue dragon over there wants to either learn how to convince princesses to go out with him, or he wants to eat people and take all of their gold. So, we just need to, um, teach him how to date princesses.”“Ah,” Booksie said. She turned to eye the dragon that was currently picking at what was no doubt some poor sheep’s innards stuck between his teeth. “And we can’t run?” she asked.“I don’t think so,” I said.Booksie took a deep breath to settle herself. “Well, we could try to teach him what he wants to know.”“Loath as I am to agree, the bun is right. If the dragon leaves satisfied he can fly off to be someone else’s problem,” Amaryllis said. “So, you’re volunteering to date him?” I asked.Amaryllis squawked. “World no.”“Then we’re in a bit of a pickle,” I said. Rhawrexdee didn’t seem like that bad a guy, once I looked past his tendency to eat cute fluffy sheep and also people. What he wanted wasn’t anything too out of the ordinary. Really, he just wanted to be loved, and that was perfectly okay. I wanted the same thing, though I was still waiting for the perfect person to show up before I started thinking about actual romance.“Awa,” Awen said. “If, if we have to, then we should try our best. Um. Miss Booksie can maybe help? And we can coach the dragon on how to be nicer?”I nodded. “That’s it. We just need someone, anyone, to act as his date.” I stared at Amaryllis.She glared back. “You... you moronic, half-witted, cretinous, imbecile.... Fine!” “You’ll do it?” I asked. “That, or I’ll ask the dragon to eat you in exchange for the date.”Grinning I swept Amaryllis into a quick hug. “Thank-you, thank-you!” She shoved me off with a huff. “Thank me if I managed to talk us out of this mess.”“Ah,” I said. “That might be a problem. He said he can only speak dragon and something called ancient Pyrowalkian.”Booksie looked up, her ears perking. “He speaks Tanyintian?” she asked. At my confused look, she tried to clarify. “It’s an old, old dialect. Before the founding of the Pyrowalkian Empire there was a kingdom called Pyro. Before the Pyro family-for which the kingdom was named-came into power, the region that would become this kingdom was a part of a nation called Tanyint. It is said to have been the most powerful nation to ever exist, until it slowly fell apart over the course of a century or two. I think the dragons had an alliance of sorts with their ruling family.” Booksie scratched at her cheek. “Sorry. It’s just an interesting history. I can speak it a bit. There are a lot of older books on magic, especially enchanting, that used Tanyint script.”I grinned. “Well, now you have an excuse to practice,” I said.“Ah, I suppose. I don’t think the dragon is really into books or anything though.”I paused. My friends were in this because we had kinda promised to help, and I had dragged them into the mess. It was my fault, but I had the best of friends, and they were there for me. Booksie, on the other hand, was a friend, but not as close a friend, and she didn’t deserve to be dragged into a heap of trouble. There was still plenty of time for her to run back home. “If you want to leave, because it’s safer, I can give you the gold I have? It might help?”Booksie shook her head. “No! Please, dragons are very interesting, and the opportunity to talk to one shouldn’t be missed out.” She blinked. “Speaking of. Where did you learn how to speak dragon?”“Ah.”“Could you teach me, just a little?” There was a very worrisome fervor in her eyes. “There are some texts that have phonetic dragon writings in them. Just knowing what they’re about could increase their value by so much.”I rubbed at the back of my neck. “I’m kind of a Riftwalker.”Booksie was suddenly very close. “Truly?” she asked with the sort of tone someone used to tell a hated rival that they were in check. It was soft and husky and came out as a purr and I was scared.“Awa, the dragon doesn’t look very, um, patient,” Awen said.That snapped Booksie away. She ran her hands down the front of her sweater and coughed lightly to one side. “Yes well, I’m all for this plan, as long as it doesn’t prove too untenable.”“Right!” I spun on a heel and strolled over to Rhawrexdee. “Heya! We’re all set,” I said.“You are?” the dragon said. I nodded. “We’re all set right?” I asked my friends. “No, no we really aren’t.” Amaryllis said.“See, they agree,” I said to Rhawrexdee. “So, today we’ll be going, uh, over the essentials of dating?”Rhawrexdee snorted. “That hardly sounds practical.”Once my hair resettled from being blown about by his snort, I took a moment to think about things. “Well, that’s because we want to make sure you’re ready for, uh, this afternoon's practice. A big, practice, not-real-at-all date. Totally fake.”“You’re putting a suspicious amount of emphasis on the unreality of this date.”“That’s because if it’s a fake date, if you make a little blunder it’s okay. Um. This is Booksie, one of my friends. She speaks ancient Pyrowalkian, a little, and she’ll be your teammate. Awen and I will be going ahead to, um, calm people down. And Amaryllis will be your date.”Rhawrexdee perked up at that. “Truly?” he shifted to stare at Amaryllis who glared right back. “She doesn’t seem happy about it.”“That’s... uh. She’s going to be playing hard to get. So that way you’ll learn how to get... that.”“Hrmm, brilliant! And to think my sister said I should just eat you all and give up on the entire situation. Hah! Shows her!”I smiled. “I’m sure it’ll be lots of fun.”
* * *
