Chapter One Hundred and Twelve — Teach a Dragon To Fish...
Chapter One Hundred and Twelve — Teach a Dragon To Fish... “Hello mister mayor!” I said as I approached the round-tummied mayor. The man was standing next to a large gathering of guards and warriors and adventurer-looking folk, fiddling with his hat with one hand while squishing a kerchief with the other. The man looked at me. In fact, nearly all of them looked at me. “Miss Bunch?” he said. “Is it gone? Did you get the dragon to leave?” “Ah, well, not quite,” I said. I bounced to a stop before him, then rocked back and forth on my heels. “So, I’ve been talking to the dragon-”“You can talk dragon?” someone asked.“And we’ve come to something of a solution! It’s great. See, the dragon, uh...” I paused. Would the truth work with all of these people? Probably not, but I wasn’t a liar so... “My friends and I are teaching the dragon how to date girls.”The clanking of so much armour shifting about as the nervous guards burned off their jitters stopped. Now I was sure that all of them were looking at me.“M-miss Bunch, could you... explain?” the mayor asked.“I’m pretty sure it’s because, deep down, Rhawrexdee is a romantic. So, we made a bargain with him. We’ll teach him how to date and such, and he won’t, um, eat everyone, rain thunder and lightning down upon our heads, and then bathe in the afterglow of the burning town. Oh, and he won’t steal your gold either.”The mayor swallowed. “So, you will, ah, bring the dragon out of Rosenbell, and teach it there?” the mayor asked. There was a lot of hope in his eyes.I kinda felt bad about dashing it. “Not quite. See, to practice we need a realistic environment. And Rosenbell is quite nice.” I tried making my smile more reassuring.The mayor dabbed at his forehead. “You’re taking a dragon, onto a date, in my town?”“That’s the gist of it?” I said.“Are you quite mad, Miss Bunch?” The mayor asked with surprising calm.I shook my head. “Not even a little,” I said. “We, and by we I mean you, could always tell the dragon that his practice date is cancelled.”The mayor dabbed at his forehead some more. “What do you need from us?” he asked.“Just make sure all the shops and such are still open? And that people are very nice and polite. You know, normal things.”“But towards a dragon.”“Yes, exactly.”The mayor looked towards the guard that had the fanciest hat around. “I will see what I can do,” he offered.“Brilliant! I’m gonna go back and make sure that everyone is copacetic.” I flashed them a thumbs up, then bounced back towards the centre of town. When I arrived, it was to find Rhawrexdee nodding his big head along to something that Booksie was saying. “Yes, I think that would be for the best,” he said. His eyes snapped to the side and he focused on me as I approached. “You... the formerly human one. The other one, that is currently a human, has agreed to make me some clothes that I may look even more resplendent when I do begin dating for real.”I blinked, then looked over to Awen who was busy linking and unlinking her fingers. “Oh? That’s great!” I said. “And her name is Awen. And mine is Broccoli.”“Mmm, yes, but your names don’t matter, do they?” he asked.I felt my ears flopping to the side as I tilted my head in thought. “They kind of do. Would you go on a date with someone without even knowing her name?”“Would her name matter more than her virginity and princessness?” he wondered.I nodded. “Oh yeah. I think people care a lot more about their names than either of those. They might not be important to you, but they’re important to her.”Rhawrexdee let out a long, warm breath. “Yes, I suppose even the characters in the stories have names. But the names you little ones have are all so droll.”“I like my name,” I said. “I’m not dating you,” he said. “I know better than to date a riftwalker.” He turned towards Awen. “Tell this one to get to work. I expect my garments to be ready as soon as I am to depart.”“Ah, when are you planning on leaving, exactly?” Rhawrexdee shifted his massive wings in what I suspected was a shrug. “Whenever I deem myself ready. I’m a dragon, I leave if and when I want.”“Alrighty then,” I said. Turning to Awen, I cleared my throat to speak in a more normal tone. “So, he wants you to start making him a nice outfit for his dates. Can you do that?”“Awa, I think I can,” Awen said. “I might need his measurements though.” I judged whether or not we could stretch his patience that long. The tapping of claws as long as my forearm on the ground suggested no. “How about you go talk to the mayor, explain things, then find Yoland. I’m sure she can help.”“G-got it!” Awen said. She backed away from the dragon for a few steps, then took off in a sprint. “Can we start now?” Rhawrexdee asked.I nodded, then looked over to Amaryllis who was looking extra unimpressed, with her arms crossed and her nose in the air. “Let me introduce you to your date for the evening,” I said as I stepped closer. I gestured Amaryllis up and down. “Hailing from the Harpy Mountains, from the Albatross family, this is Amaryllis Albatross, third daughter of the clan, Thundere extraordinaire, and my best friend!” “Did you just introduce me?” Amaryllis asked. “I didn’t understand more than a word in ten, yet I still know you butchered it.”“Your turn,” I said to Rhawrexdee. “Tell me what you want me to say for you, I’ll act as one of your translators.”The dragon stood a little taller then he tipped back until he was standing on his hindlegs, his chest puffing out and his wings spread behind him. As far as displays went, it was pretty impressive to have an eighty foot span of leathery wings appear above you to hide the sun. “I am Rhawrexdee, son of Lawlyhoumad and Nhoyhou. He who smote the clouds themselves! The thunder hammer! The scourge of the northern desert!”A case of literary theft: this tale is not rightfully on Amazon; if you see it, report the violation.Lightning flashed across an otherwise clear sky and disappeared over the horizon. Rhawrexdee looked down. “How was that?” I clapped. “Very impressive,” I said. “But, I think your tone is a bit off.”Rhawrexdee tilted his head. “The tone?” he asked.I saw Booksie nod as she came to stand next to me. “Indeed, mighty Rawrexdee. Place yourself in the position of the princess. She’s ready for a date with a handsome dragon, and then she’s suddenly overwhelmed by all of his titles and the prestige of his name. It’s like walking into a room, proud of how good you look that day, only to have an entire crowd of even prettier people walk by. It can hurt a little.”“Ah, yes, I suppose unlike us dragons, princesses have fragile egos,” Rhawrexdee said with a firm nod. He raised a hand to stroke his spiky chin in thought. “Perhaps you are right, long-eared potential snack.”“Her name is Booksie,” I said.“That doesn’t sound like a very appealing name. Books are for reading, not eating.”I nodded. “Exactly. Don’t eat Booksie. Or any of my friends... or anyone else, please.” The dragon rolled his eyes at me. “Humanoids,” he muttered. “Now, can we begin this date?”“Of course!” I said. I stepped up between him and Amaryllis. “Now, you’ve been introduced, so it’s time for you to compliment the princess to make her feel nice.”The dragon hummed, it sounded like a semi-trailer shifting gears. “Very well,” he said before clearing his throat. “Oh, radiant beauty of this early dawn, your feathers glisten like morning dew and your eyes have the burning glow of yet-not-unleashed cruelty. I wish only to be the dragon upon which that fire burns, that I may bask in its glow and feel the warmth of a heart so pure that even the vessel around it is incandescent. You are the fever of my brow and the burning of my loins.”I blinked a few times, my cheeks growing a little warm. “Ah,” I said.“Are you not going to translate that?” Rhawrexdee asked.Booksie tilted her head. “Was that from the Flowers of the Blood Spring?” she asked.Rhawrexdee turned to face her fully. “You’ve read that?”“I have. It’s a classic.”The dragon huffed. “It’s alright. The actual story is dull and tripe.”“Yes, but the prose,” Booksie rebutted.Rhawrexdee hummed. “I’ll give you that much, the prose is quite well done. Especially the scenes where the lovers meet in secret.”“Those are the best parts,” Booksie agreed. “Did you read the author’s other works? Flora of Stained Winters and Plants in Muddy Summer?”“I’ve read Winters, but I could never find the last one. The copies are difficult to find.” The dragon’s eyes narrowed. “How did you find one?”Booksie looked down and away. “I owned a bookstore. I got to hoard quite a few classics over the years.”“A hoard of books? Impressive... what was your name again?”“Booksie. My friends call me Booksie.”Rhawrexdee showed his teeth in what I suspect was a smile. “Good. I’m glad you’re well-read, Booksie, you can better translate my prose for me.”“I’ll do my best.” Booksie bowed at the waist, then started to translate to a more and more horrified Amaryllis.While she did so, Rhawrexdee shifted to be closer to me. “I can see why you wanted to delay for some days. Obtaining such an expert was a good call. She seems far better suited to getting the meaning of my words across than you.”“Uh. Thanks. I think?” I waited for Booksie to be done and for the look of disgust to wear off Amaryllis’ face before I clapped my hands. “Okay, now the two of you can start the date with a little walk. Just along the shops, I think.”“And I will ramsack any store for the precious gems and gold that catches her eye,” Rhawrexdee said.“Ah. That, that depends on the girl, I think. Some women aren’t into... gems, and stuff.”The dragon was looking at me with pure doubt in his big eyes. “I mean, you should establish what the woman finds important while walking with her, right? Maybe she’s a gold and gems kind of girl, but maybe she’s more interested in other things. I like hanging out with my friends, Booksie here likes a good book. Not all girls are the same. In fact, they’re pretty much all different.”“How strange. My research led me to believe there were only four or five archetypes to deal with. Are you quite certain?”“Very,” I said. “That’s unfortunate. I had pegged Amaryllis as the feisty sort with a heart of gold. I will have to rethink my entire plan for wooing her.”Booksie tittered, which gained her the dragon’s attention. “I’m afraid that not everyone fits neatly into the same sort of categories as a character in a book. At least, the best characters also fail to fit into neat categories too, so maybe it’s not all bad.”“I suppose not,” Rhawrexdee said. “I will merely have to put my great intellect to work to find a solution as we date.”“If you don’t mind me asking, sir Rhawrexdee, how did you come to be so well-read?”The dragon looked a little contrite. “Ah, well, I have difficulty reading the tiny books you little people make, so I invented something I call an audio book.”“Oh? A sort of magic?” Booksie wondered. “Library magic always fascinated me!” “Likewise! But no. An audio book is when you find someone that can read and translate a book at the same time, usually a scholar, and then kidnap them so that they can read to you. I like listening to... mature and interesting books during long flights.”“Oh, that’s... clever.”“Isn’t it?” he said with obvious pride. “My sister, Cholondee, mocked me, but then she got herself hooked on all these alternate tales of historical figures written by fanatics. Disgusting filth I say!” He shook his head as if to clear it. “But that is all quite besides the point. Let’s start this thing, shall we?”
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Chapter One Hundred and Thirteen — And Also a Dragon
Chapter One Hundred and Thirteen — And Also a Dragon Rhawrexdee did an admirable job avoiding all the roofs and overhangs and buildings in the street as he stomped along next to Amaryllis. He only tore off the more intrusive clothes lines and such, but eight buildings out of ten were still mostly intact when he was done moving past.“So, princess Amaryllis,” Rhawrexdee said. I translated as soon as he paused, of course. I had the impression that our new dragon-y friend was actually a little nervous as he spoke. “How’s that virginity of yours keeping?”I choked. “You can’t ask that!” I said.“And why can I not? I am a dragon. I can ask what I want.”I huffed. “But that’s private.”“It’s hardly private at all. Anyone with a proper dragon’s nose could tell. It’s as clear as her princessness,” he said.I crossed my arms. “Well it’s still rude, and I think she’d zap you for asking. There are some subjects that should be eased into, or outright avoided, I think. Stuff like politics, and religion, and the economy and, and sex stuff.”Rhawrexdee looked at me. “That doesn’t sound right at all. The characters in my books talk about all sorts of things like that.”“Ah,” Booksie butted in. She was walking on his other side. “But how often do the relationships come to a head because of those things in those stories? Did you ever read the collected plays of Violet-Blue Morningsong?”“Of course I have,” Rhawrexdee said. “It would be difficult not to, they’re exceptionally popular.”Booksie nodded. “How many of those love stories end in tragedy because of politics or such?”“Hrm,” Rhawrexdee said. “I suppose you might have a point. Very well then. Perhaps I shall try instead to pick Amaryllis up by wooing her with other things. That is the point of this part of the date, yes?”“Yup. This is the walk around and chat part,” I confirmed. “Very well then. Ask the princess if she prefers a negative or positive charge with her magical attacks.”I didn’t see the point to the question, but I also didn’t know that much about magic, so I repeated what he said back to Amaryllis.“I don’t see why it would matter,” Amaryllis said with a growing frown. “I think most magic-made electrical discharges are negative by default. I never saw a reason to change any of that. It also helps turn the subject of a strike into a ground of sorts.”I translated that as quickly as I could. Rhawrexdee listened attentively, then showed his teeth in a weird sort of smile. “Tell her that I’m a positive dragon, then remind her that opposites attract.”I had a lot of questions, but I did as he asked only to see the confusion I felt mirror itself on Amaryllis' features. “Was that a pun?” she asked.“I think so,” I said. “Um. Mister Rhawrexdee, Amaryllis is wondering if that was a pun.”“Oh, it was only the beginning of them, yes. I have prepared a small hoard of them to properly woo the Thundere.”“Ah, I see,” I said.“Tell her that I have my ion her next,” he said. “Oh, and that I think she is electrifying.”“While Broccoli translates all that,” Booksie said. “Would you mind if I asked you about that... custom. Is it a dragon thing?”“Of course. It is how my father convinced my mother to be with him. She riddled him full of lightning from on high, and he told her that they had a spark. She admired his electrifying personality, and soon they formed a circuit. It was very romantic.”Booksie took a step closer to Rhawrexdee. “Interesting. We learn so little about dragon culture. I didn’t think that word play was so important to you.”“While some of us-like myself, of course-appreciate the literary arts, more barbaric dragons will do their own thing. It’s quite disappointing. I don’t think there have been many dragon authors in the past. A shame, I’m certain we’d be far better than most.”Booksie giggled and skipped a few steps. She seemed to be genuinely enjoying herself. “We should talk more on it later. Maybe I can write while you dictate a story?”“That...” Rhawrexdee looked the other way. “That sounds possible, yes.”“Brilliant, now I’ll leave you to your date, I wouldn’t want you to... book bad.” She grinned. “Did I do that correctly?”Rhawrexdee eyed Booksie for a long moment. “Yes, yes you did.” He cleared his throat. “Have we walked long enough for this segment of the date to be over with?” “I think so,” I said as I drew from my vast experiences hearing about other girls who did go on dates. “I think we can skip right over to the lunch part. There’s a cafe over there.” I pointed towards the end of the street.The little restaurant wasn’t quite a cafe. In fact, I was pretty sure I hadn’t seen coffee anywhere since I’d come over to Dirt, so it couldn’t be a proper coffee shop. It did have some pastries, and little sandwiches hidden behind a glass-fronted counter, and there were tables by the front with chairs all around them. There was a young man standing next to one of the tables, his eyes very wide and his hands frozen in the act of being wiped on the edge of his apron. He had to be one of the waiters, or maybe the owner.I skipped ahead of my friends and Rhawrexdee, whose friendship was still undetermined, and stopped before the waiter. “Hello! I’d like to make a reservation. Two tables. One with only one chair. We need to make a bit of room for our dragon friend.”“Th-the dragon?”“Yes,” I said before pointing to the dragon coming up behind me. “That one. Don’t worry, we’ll pay for any food we buy. Um. I don’t know if we can cover the dragon’s bill though.” The poor man looked so confused, so I tried to explain a little. “See, we’re on a sort of practice date.”Love this novel? Read it on Royal Road to ensure the author gets credit.“All... four of you?” he asked.“Well, yeah,” I said. “But it’s okay because it’s not a real date.”“I’ll.” He paused to swallow. “I’ll see what I can do,” he said.Soon enough Booksie and I were moving one of the tables so that it was in the centre of the little room so that Rhawrexdee could stick his head in through the door (he hardly broke it at all!) and Amaryllis could sit, if a little stiffly, across from him.We, of course, took our own seats just a little ways away.I eyed the menu and decided on some tea. Nothing too filling since I’d had my breakfast just an hour or so back. “You, with the ears,” Rhawrexdee said. Booksie and I looked at each other. “The eloquent one, with the books,” the dragon added. “Yes?” Booksie asked. “Assist me in telling Princess Amaryllis that I look forward to her carving into whatever unsuspecting beast they place before her here.”I felt my blood go cold. “Um. Rhawrexdee, do you know what a cafe is?” “Of course I do!” he said. I heard plates and such clattering to the floor in the kitchen and suspected that Rhawrexdee had just given someone quite the fright. “They are a very romantic place in many stories.” He looked around. “Is this one of those? I expected it to smell less like mud and more like meat and other proper foods.”I glanced to Booksie who shrugged. “Well,” I said. “This is a bistro of sorts, just like in your stories.”“Fascinating,” he said. “I suppose we must hold hands across this little table and share stories of our childhoods?”Booksie grinned. “That sounds like something out of a DeClancy story.”Rhawexdee recoiled, then flinched when his head banged into the ceiling. Fortunately, his head was harder than the wood above and his horns passed clean through with just a bit of crunching. I really hoped that the floor above wasn’t the shopkeeper’s house. “I would never read such filth,” he said.“Oh? I enjoyed them. Though the way the second novel ended...”Rhawrexdee shook his head. “How could the protagonist forgo a harem in favour of marrying his childhood best friend? It’s unnatural.”“But the other girls in the harem had no chemistry,” Booksie said.“I thought they were enjoyable,” Rhawrexdee said.“I thought you didn’t read such filth?” I wondered.“Oh, no one reads those books,” Booksie said. “They were best-sellers that no one with an ounce of dignity would admit to reading. Especially the fifth book in the series.”“There’s a fifth book?” Rhawrexdee asked. “Truly?”“Oh yes. I think I saw a copy at the local book store.”“That is where we will go next,” he declared. “Certainly,” Booksie said. “Out of curiosity, what were your favourite novels as a child?” Rhawrexdee hummed. “I suppose the Tales of Knight Princess Dragonia.”“Really?” Booksie asked.“Do not judge me, I am a dragon, I am above your petty judgements,” Rhawrexdee said.Booksie waved her hands in the air in denial. “No no, I wasn’t judging. It’s just that I had the entire set as a little bun. I loved them! I wanted to be just like the princess’s librarian squire when I grew up.”“Really? I enjoyed that character. Though it is the main character that inspired my early love for princesses. As is only proper in a young dragon.”“Of course.”I looked over to Amaryllis. I think we knew each other well enough to communicate just how weird we felt, even without words. Booksie was enjoying herself though, smiling ear to ear as she talked to a very attentive Rhawrexdee about the difference in each edition of their favourite book series.“Fascinating. I will have to raid a capital one day to obtain a new set of the books.”Booksie shook her head. “Nonsense. I... ah, I had a copy of the earlier edition in my store. I suppose it was left behind when I came here.”Their conversation was cut short when the trembling waiter came to take our orders. I had to repeat mine a few times since he was more focused on the dragon tearing a wider and wider hole in the entrance to pay attention. Amaryllis ordered some pastry and Rhawrexdee ordered meat. All of the store’s meat.“So, do you have any suggestions for reading material?” Rhawrexdee asked.“I owned a bookstore, recommending books was my job,” Booksie said.“Hrm. Perhaps it is you I should kidnap, not the princess.”Booksie grinned. “I doubt I’m worth the effort, but thank you. As for recommendations, that would depend entirely on what sort of reading material you’re looking for. I think you have a penchant for more classical romance.”“I suppose, though I wouldn’t mind branching out a little,” the dragon said casually. “Oh, there are a lot of other genres with romance in them, they just don’t feature it as prominently. Ah, I wish I still had my store, I had so many books you would enjoy.”“Perhaps when my date is over we can visit your shop.” Booksie’s smile grew a little fixed, and she looked down and away. “Maybe,” she said.I reached out and patted her hand. “We’ll get your shop back,” I said. Rhawrexdee’s eyes narrowed. “What happened to her hoard?” he asked.“Ah, it’s nothing to concern yourself over, mister dragon,” Booksie said.“Well, if you say so, I suppose,” he said.The waiter chose that moment to walk into the room, carrying a large platter covered in still-smoking meat that he eased onto Rhawrexdee’s end of the table before scurrying off. There had to be enough meat there to feed a family of four for a month. “The books were right, the portions in places like these are awful,” Rhawrexdee said.
