Chapter One Hundred and Sixteen — Momma
Chapter One Hundred and Sixteen — Momma Lawlyhoumad Desired Quality: Someone who is nice to her children and who shows her all due respect.Dream: To see her babies grow up big and strong and to one day grow large enough to eat the world. I coughed into a closed fist, then, while grabbing the edges of my skirt, dipped into a curtsy before the majestic green mommy dragon before me. “It’s a pleasure to meet you, your, uh, dragonnessness,” I said.If Miss Lawlyoumad wanted to be respected then it was the least I could do. I was in her home, after all. Also, she was a very large dragon. “Oh, aren’t they just so precious,” Lawlyhoumad said, I peeked to the side and saw my friends dipping in their own curtseys and bows, with Amaryllis’ being particularly ornate as she fluffed out her feathers in a big fan. “Oh I’m so proud of you Rhawrexdee, your first princess. And she’s a virgin! The retinue is nice, I suppose. One of the trade offs of caring for a princess of course.” The dragoness tittered, a sound like boulders merrily rolling down a hill. “Oh, I have just the room to lock them all up in!” I looked up like a rabbit that heard a hawk’s cry. “What?” I asked. Lawlyhoumad turned her gaze onto me, then her eyes focused properly and her head pulled back. “A Riftwalker!” She turned to her son. “Sweetie, what did I say about bringing that sort home?”“Not to?” the large blue dragon said. He sounded like he was half his original size. Not that that wasn’t still big. “But mom, you’re the one that made me come here.”“Hmpf, talking back to your mom like that. And in front of guests no less.” She shook her head before refocusing on me. “What do you want, little Riftwalker?”I shifted in place. I hadn’t expected to be put on the spot like that. “Uh. Just to be with my friends, I guess. And to make more friends, of course!” She eyed me suspiciously for a while, then leaned in close. That is, her head stopped a dozen paces ahead of me, but I still had to crane my neck to meet her eyes. “You’d better not be here to cause trouble for me and mine, understood?” “Yes ma’am!” I said. “I promise! We just got together with Rhawrexdee ‘cause he needed a bit of help, and I thought he could use some friends!” Also, I didn’t want him eating a town, but that was besides the point.Lawlyhoumad turned to her son. “Oh, sweetie, what sort of trouble did you get yourself into that you needed the help of these little ones?”Rhawrexdee pouted. It wasn’t a nice look on a dragon, their cheeks were too flappy and their lips a bit too thin, so his pout ended up looking like a dog smiling. Still, it got the message across. “We came to an understanding, that’s all.”“What sort of understanding?” Lawlyhoumad asked. She laid down, one forelimb crossing over the other. Rhawrexdee patted the ground. “Well, you know how I always wanted more than just a normal harem of slave princesses?”The mother dragon rolled her eyes. “Yes yes, one of those ideas that got in your head from those silly books.”“They’re not silly. And besides, it’s completely possible. I found this Riftwalker, and this princess, and Booksie here. And... the other one who made my hat and vest.”“I do like the vest. It’s quite fetching. You look very handsome in it, just like that cheating pile of filth father of yours did when we first met.”Rhawrexdee nodded as if the last part of that hadn’t been said. “Thank you. I think I like the idea of wearing some clothes to accentuate my features. But that’s besides the point. I found this lot and got them to agree to teach me the art of wooing princesses.”“Mmm.” Lawlyhoumad said. “And which one is Booksie?” she asked with a purr.Rhawrexdee tensed. “She’s just one of the ones with the ears,” he said. “She’s not important.”“Oh, sweet child of mine, I’m a mother, not some ignorant golem. You can’t hide these sorts of things from me.”“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Rhawrexdee said. I winced. Going on the defensive like that was as good as admitting guilt. I started moving towards my friends and our stuff, just in case things turned for the worse. “It’s not the Riftwalker, is it? The last time a dragon and one of those fell for each other we ended up with half-dragons, and I don’t think we need that kind of fiasco, not in my family.”“No mother, it’s not the Riftwalker... or any of the others.”“So you won’t mind me nibbling at them a little?” Lawlyhoumad started to reach a claw in our direction. My eyes went wide as I saw it coming. Not only was it huge, it was fast, far faster than something of that size had any right to be.“No!” Rhawrexdee barked.His mom stopped mid-reach, then pulled her claws back. The self-satisfied grin she wore said volumes.“Oh, fine! But it was only the one date. And a bit of a flight. Nothing more.”“Oh, my poor little boy.” The dragoness hopped to her feet and I had to scramble to stay on mine as the floor trembled. Then she lumbered over to her son and crashed into him neck first before she started rubbing her head against the back of his. “You poor little thing,” she said over the screech of the spikes on the back of his head doing a lot of nothing to the scales over her neck. “Moooom,” Rhawrexdee whined. “I’m a hundred years old, not ten. This is embarrassing.”“You might be a hundred, but you’re still my baby boy, and I don’t want to see your heart broken. What will happen when the bun dies? These little ones only live half a century or so before they go ripe and stop tasting as fresh.”Stolen content warning: this tale belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences elsewhere.“We’ll figure it out,” Rhawrexdee said. “I can give her half-killed meals for her to level up with, and, and we only went on the one date, it doesn’t mean anything.”“Did you promise to go on some quest in order to win her over?” she asked. Rhawrexdee’s long quiet had the mother dragon sighing. “I just agreed to help her regain her hoard. She collects books! She had an entire hoard, right down in Port Royal.”“Well, at least you’d only be a glide away from your dear mommy,” Lawlyhoumad muttered.“Mom,” Rhawrexdee said. “Oh, come now, this isn’t so bad is it? Little ones like that girl of yours love it when big strong men show off their feminine side.”“Mom!” I giggled, then noticed the tension escaping from my friends. I’d sorta forgotten that they couldn’t make out the conversation above. Even Booksie looked a bit frightened, so the dragons probably weren’t talking in that ancient language and were talking in pure dragon. “I think we’re going to be okay,” I said. “Lawlyhoumad seems like a very nice lady.”“Oh, I am,” the dragoness said.“Awa, she speaks common,” Awen said. “Um, hello, lady Lawlyhoumad,” Awen said with a curtsy. “I’m Awen Bristlecone. It’s a pleasure to meet you.”“Any relation to that rat bastard, no good, filthy pile of filth Abraham Bristlecone?” Lawlyhoumad asked. Her voice had wavered between kindly and downright wrathful.“Awa... no?” Awen said.“Good. In that case you’re welcome in my home little one. My daughter might try to kidnap you if you make such nice clothes. A Wyrmgineer... hrm.”“Awa, I’d rather not be kidnapped by her. I’m, um, being kidnapped already.” “I’m sure,” Lawlyhoumad said. “And who are you others?” Amaryllis bowed. “I’m Amaryllis Albatross, of the clan Albatross, lady dragon,” she said.“Ohh, the family that makes those delicious ships?”Amaryllis twitched. “That’s us,” she said. “Adorable! And what about you, the one with the cute ears?”“I’m Booksie, lady dragon,” Booksie said. “I’m just a simple book store owner from Port Royal. Or, I used to be.”“So humble. Ohh, and you share a hobby with my little Rawr-i-kins. I can just imagine you reading him to sleep.”Booksie flushed and looked away. “I’m not sure about, um, that, lady dragon. We’re just friends.”“Yes I’m sure,” Lawlyhoumad dismissed. She turned to me. “And you’re Broccoli Bunch, the Riftwalker.”“I’m more than just that, I think,” I said. “I’d much rather be Broccoli Bunch the friend!” The dragoness huffed. “We’ll see. Now. What’s this about Port Royal? Someone stole from my little Rhawr’s girl?”I snuck a peek at Rhawrexdee, but he was looking on in interest without reacting, it was obvious that he was missing out on this part of the conversation. Meanwhile, Booksie was blushing up to the tips of her long ears, though she seemed to be composed otherwise. “I might have been robbed, I suppose that’s one way of putting it, lady dragon,” Booksie said. “My shop, where I sold my books from, was taken from me by some thugs. I was about to give up on ever winning it back when Broccoli and her friends showed up and agreed to help me, then we met your son and, ah.”“And the rest is history. Yes, that does sound like Rhawr to play the part of the knight.” She shook her head. “Well, there’s no helping it. We’ll see about finding a nice place for you girls for the night, then we’ll rain terror and fire down upon Port Royal until those thugs show up to apologize or everyone is dead.”“Ah,” I said. “Um. I was thinking, if your dragoness doesn’t mind, that maybe we could use a more... focused strike? Maybe... talk to the bad guys before burning everything?”“That doesn’t sound nearly as amusing. And besides, the nobles have been belligerent lately. The daily tribute of sheep has been lacklustre of late. You know, sheep are important for keeping your teeth nice and shiny.”I frowned up at the dragon. “But what about all the nice, innocent people?” I asked.She moved her wing joints up and down. “What of them? I’m sure we can nibble on a few as they run out of the fire.”That... that was not cool. “Dragons aren’t supposed to be like that,” I said. She blinked. “Pardon me, little Riftwalker, but I think I would be a little better at determining what a dragon is and isn’t like than you.”I shook my head. “Not if you’re going around hurting people that don’t deserve it. Dragons are supposed to be the coolest, most beautiful creatures ever, all magic and might and power. You’re supposed to be loyal friends and great protectors, the people everyone smaller than you look up to for wise guidance and protection. But burning down people just because it makes your job easier, that’s just lazy.”“You walk a fine line, calling me lazy in my own home,” she warned.I frowned right back. “I’m not the sort of person that can stand by and let injustice happen,” I said. “Even if that means being a little rude to a huge dragon in her own home.”Lawlyhoumad stared, then she let out a long, rumbling laugh. “Oh, I had forgotten how annoying Riftwalkers are. Fine, I suppose we could do things the dull way. Eating the thugs should be enough to remind the little frogs who’s boss. And besides, I like the idea of being seen as a glorious guardian queen.”I suspected that she might have misunderstood something along the way, but if it made it easier to convince her not to eat people, then I was all for it.“Now, come along. It’s time for food and you really ought to meet my daughter. She’s far too much of a recluse.”
Chapter One Hundred and Seventeen — Failing The Bechdel Test, but With Dragons
Chapter One Hundred and Seventeen — Failing The Bechdel Test, but With Dragons“And these will be your rooms for the night. They’re our princess rooms,” Lawlyhoumad said as she gestured at a hole in the wall. The inside of the dragon’s cave was surprisingly spacious. Or maybe that wasn’t too surprising, seeing as how the occupant was longer than a pair of city buses parked end to end and a bit wide at the hips. “We’re not all princesses though, is it alright anyway?” I asked as I skipped ahead towards the entrance.Lawlyhoumad scoffed, making the ball of fire floating next to her for light flicker a bit. “We don’t have guest rooms, and you can’t sleep on my hoard or I’d have to eat you, Riftwalker or no. It’s tradition, you see.”“Right, right,” I agreed. The princess room was a large cavern. Well, large for me, Lawlyhoumad would have a hard time squeezing into the door and I don’t think three of her could have fit in the room at once. Curtains covered the bare stone walls and runes glowed from the ceiling, casting soft light across a sea of pillows. There were a lot of pillows. Small ones, barely bigger than two fists together, and some as long as I was tall. All in soft, pastel colours with lacy edges and floofy middles. There was a pile of them in the centre of the room, like a hill of softness just waiting for someone to bury themselves into it. There was more furniture off to the side. Dressers and make-up tables, but really, those were secondary to all the pillows. “That’s a lot of pillows,” I said.“Hmm? Oh yes, princesses like those,” Lawlyhoumad said with the certainty of someone who thought themselves an expert. “The more the better.”“Uh-huh,” I agreed. Pillows were kind of fun, I guessed. “There are some clothes and such in those dressers. No food for your sort, I’m afraid.”“We’ll make do,” I said. “Thanks for your hospitality, miss Lawlyhoumad,” I said.The dragon tittered. “It was nothing. Now remember, touch my hoard and I’ll make your death long and painful. Do sleep tight!” With that, the dragoness dismissed us and waddled deeper into her home, feet stomping along as she walked off. I spun towards my friends. Booksie looked a little nervous, Awen was... also nervous, but that was normal, and Amaryllis was frowning off to the side.“Why do you all look so glum?” I asked. “Look at this room!” I skipped in, then spun around a few times. “It’s the perfect place for a sleepover!” Amaryllis rolled her eyes. “Broccoli, we sleep together every night.”“Awa.”“Yes, but not inside a dragon’s lair! We can have... tea and hard tack, and talk about our feelings, and sleep on a giant pile of pillows.” I clapped. “Pillow forts!”Orange peeled herself out of my backpack and landed on the ground next to me. Then she sauntered over to the pile of pillows, eyed it for a moment, then skipped from one to the next until she was at the very top.“See!”“Awa, it might be nice?” Awen tried. “Well, I suppose,” Amaryllis said. “I am rather awake right now. It’s too early for a proper rest.”Booksie shrugged. “I guess,” she said. I cheered. “Yes! I’m gonna see if there's nice things to wear for sleep!” I said as I rushed over to the dressers. On opening them, I found piles of very pretty dresses shoved in with more force than they probably deserved. I tugged out a large ball gown and held it up, or tried to, but the hem was huge and it trailed onto the ground. Amaryllis was soon by my side, carefully digging into the dresses with her talons and ‘tsking’ about how unfashionable they all were. “This is nice,” I said as I found one dresser filled with nightgowns. I ‘ooohed’ at the silkiness of them, then started undressing. “A-awa,” Awen said. “B-Broccoli, what are you doing?” she asked.“I don’t have anything you don’t,” I scoffed as I pushed my clothes to the side, then slipped into one of the gowns. It was nice and long, ending just above the knees. Like wearing one of my dad’s old t-shirts for bed when I was little. Soon-with much stuttering and blushing from Awen-we were all dressed for bed and had yoinked a nice number of pillows out from the pile to form a circle to sit and lay on. “I suppose this is the part where we sharpen our talons and talk about mates?” “I don’t have talons,” I said as I wiggled my hands around. “But I guess I could do with a manicure.” I looked down at my feet and wiggled my toes. “And a pedicure. Walking so much has been giving me callouses.”“Awa, I know some magic for that. And, um, I can use my tools,” Awen said.“Really?” I asked. Awen crawled over to her pack, then returned with a small knife and a heavy-looking file. “Do you want me to start with you?” she asked.“Sure!” I said.Having someone play with my hands, especially when they were being as gentle and caring as Awen, felt really decadent. Or maybe that was the silk gown and the pillows. “So,” Booksie said. She was hugging a big plush rectangle to her chest. “Um. Rhawrexdee.”“Yes?” I asked. I wanted to pretend that I was being casual, but my ears were literally wiggling in her direction and Awen’s motions had slowed down a bit.“What do you intend to do about him?” Amaryllis asked.Booksie buried her face into her pillow. “I don’t know,” she whined. I heard a faint snort from the doorway, something that I would have probably missed otherwise. I swivelled an ear that way, which felt pretty darned weird but was handy, and started listening harder. “Your entire situation is strange,” Amaryllis said. “But if you... like him, then I suppose you could give it a try? It wouldn’t be a terribly physical relationship.”“Awa,” Awen awaed. “That’s, that’s dirty, Amaryllis.”If you stumble upon this narrative on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen from Royal Road. Please report it.“Well, it’s true. Did you see the size of him?”Amaryllis was cut off when a red-faced Booksie flung a pillow into the side of her head. “I’m, I’m not thinking about that,'' she said. “I’m more worried about... I don’t know. It’s too soon, and I hardly know him, and now his mother thinks I’m some sort of daughter-in-law? You’d think they’d move slower.”Another huff from the door.I carefully pulled my hand back from Awen, earning a confused look from the girl. I tapped a finger to my lips, then pointed to all the girls in turn while standing up. I made ‘talky’ gestures with my hands, then pointed to myself and the door.Amaryllis caught on fast. “I’d be more worried about his proclivities towards harems. A mate that wants more than one woman is just, urgh.”Booksie’s eyes narrowed. “I might have words with him if he thinks I’m that kind of girl.”I tip-toed over to the door, hopping over stray pillows and keeping my breathing as light as I could until I was right next to the door. I thought that maybe Rhawrexdee was spying on us, which would have been very rude. Boys shouldn’t spy on a sleepover like that. But a flash of green from above and a hint of a long dragon-y talon near the ground, one that flexed into a green-scaled claw said otherwise.Was it Lawlyhoumad?I got to the edge of the entranceway, set my arms on the edge, then brought my upper body around.I found myself staring into a pair of wide red eyes.Not Lawlyhoumad. Not unless the dragoness had shrunk and lost a few tones. “Hi!” I said.The dragon reeled back. I was getting good enough at meeting dragons-and wasn’t that the coolest thing?-that I could tell that this was a girl dragon from the slightly softer features and smaller spines around her sides. Rhawrexdee had mentioned a sister. Her eyes narrowed and she huffed. “Who are you?” she asked.“You didn’t know?” I asked as I stepped around to be in front of her properly. “We came with Rhawrexdee. I’m Broccoli! You’re a girl dragon, right?”“What? Yeah, of course I am.” She glared, then sniffed. “There’s no way my idiot brother found a Riftwalker and a princess at the same time.”“More like we found him, and did you want to join our sleepover? We’re doing our nails and talking about boys. We could become friends!” CholondeeDesired Quality: Someone who will acknowledge her for who she is.Dream: To have the world tremble in fear at her mere presence and to be left alone to enjoy her smut.“It’ll be fun?” I tried.Cholondee shrugged her wings. “Sure.”That was easy. I grinned up at her, then skipped back into the room. “We’re getting another girl for our party,” I said.Amaryllis looked at me with mounting horror, then sighed when Cholondee casually strolled in after me. “So, what kind of sleepover is this?” the dragon asked.“Awa,” Awen fiddled with her file. “Um. We’re just... talking, and doing our nails?” Cholondee took that with a nod, then crashed onto the large pile of pillows. Fluff flew everywhere, and a few tatters of lace rained down on our heads. A very disgruntled Orange poked her head out from between two of the pillows Cholondee was squishing, then she flowed out from between them and stomped off in a kitty huff to find somewhere else to sleep. “Do my talons next,” Cholondee said as she placed her claws in the middle of our little circle.“Awa.... okay?” Awen said. She looked around, then carefully grabbed my hand and went back to work on it. “So, you were talking about my idiot brother?” Cholondee asked.Booksie nodded. “We may or may not be dating,” she said. “I’m not entirely sure. In fact, I don’t think your brother knows either.”“You don’t smell like a princess. What got him to not eat you?”“I think we just... hit it off? Your brother is surprisingly nice. And he is rather gentle when he’s not planning to eat anyone.”Cholondee let her head drop so that it was resting over her claws. “Yeah. He’s a pain in the flanks, but he’s not so bad. You should see some of the other dragons out there. I swear half the boys just want me as some sort of extension to their harem and half just want to rut and move on. It’s awful.”“That is awful,” I agreed. “Boys like that aren’t very nice.”The dragon rolled her eyes. “Tell me about it. But my mom has been insisting that I go find a mate lately. Real nag about it. Can’t a girl have other goals in life than raising some brats?”I nodded along. “What do you want to do? And, uh, are dragons mammals?” “No, we’re dragons, and yeah, there are other things I want. World domination, to set myself up as god queen of some nation, the usual. Mom doesn’t get it. She’s so last century.”I reached out, careful not to disturb Awen’s work, and patted Cholondee’s talons. “I understand,” I said. “But still, your mom seems nice. I think she wants the best for you. Maybe try talking to her?”“Urgh. But that’s so lame.”“It’s how I dealt with my parents,” I said.“Awa, I wish I could talk to mine,” Awen said. “They were very.... Um, I think Lady dragon is lucky to have such a nice mom.”“Call me Cholondee, I’m not big on the whole lady this and lady that,” the dragoness said. “So, you guys have any food?” “Just hardtack and some travel rations,” I said. “You can have my jerky. Ever since I turned into a bun meat tastes different. It’s weird.”“You can still eat it,” Booksie said. “But it might upset your tummy if you eat too much.”“It’s okay. I don’t mind being a vegetarian. Ohh, I could put some tea on!” I was quite proud of how quickly my friends took in a new potential friend. It was nice to see that I was surrounded by such kind people.
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