Chapter Twelve — Tea Time
The door opened with a long, low creak to reveal a room that immediately made me feel tiny. It was a living room that could have belonged to any one of the homes I had recently explored in Threewells. There was a rotting carpet on the ground, chairs with missing legs placed around a stone fireplace, a few tables and shelves that were covered in dust and no lack of rotting refuse just piled into the corners.Where things got strange was when I stepped in and actually took in the size of everything. I could have fit three Broccolis side by side on any one of the chairs, the ceiling was five meters above and even the smallest table stopped next to my shoulders.I felt like a mouse that had wandered into a bear’s den.Slowly, carefully, I lowered my backpack next to the door then moved in. I had my knife by my side, even though I didn’t really know how-or even wanted to-use it, and my other hand tingled with cleaning magic just waiting to be released. I was crossing the entrance to a bedroom, the door left ajar, when the entrance door slammed shut.I ‘eeked’ and jumped five feet up and nearly lost my heart from the fright. I crouched and hoped that nothing was going to pop up to eat me. It took some time for my heart to decide that it wanted to stay in my chest.The bedroom was clear, though the bed itself was big enough for an entire family to sleep on and I could easily crawl under it on my hands and knees if I wanted. There wasn’t anything there for me, so I moved on.I found Maddy the mad skeleton sitting in the dining room. Only his head and shoulders stood out above the tall table, and his feet dangled a foot off the ground where he was perched on the edge of an enormous chair. Three more zombie animals were at the table. A red furred fox, a sickly goat and a big fork-tongued lizard.Maddy was trying, in vain, to lift a kettle the size of his torso up when he saw me enter.“Hello, Maddy,” I said.There were no doors here, no place for Maddy to escape to. Something told me that this was the end of the line for one of us.The skeleton stood up onto his chair, then climbed atop the table with more alacrity than I thought a skeleton ought to have. He yanked his hat off, and from its depths pulled out three more hats.“Oh no,” I said as I started to run.A large wig landed on the zombie fox’s head just as I reached the creature and yanked at its tail. It flopped to the ground with a clatter, a gavel spinning out of its mouth a moment before I goomba stomped it flat.Ding! Congratulations, you have rendered the final judgement on Zombie Judge fox, level 2!The other two zombie animals landed with a clatter of hooves and a... bounce?I turned and fired off two quick Insights before taking them in with my own eyes.A zombie Viking goat, level two.A zombie Clown lizard, level two.The goat had a big red helmet on, two large horns that were definitely not goat-like sticking out of the sides and a round shield was strapped to its back.The lizard...I stared at the clown makeup slathered with more enthusiasm than skill across the lizard’s green scales and the big honking nose on the end of its snout. A red wig sat atop its head, wobbling to and fro as the lizard balanced on its hindlegs atop a big, multi-coloured ball.“That doesn’t even make sense,” I said.They charged. There was no gimmick here, no tricksy trick. The goat lowered its head and charged right at me and the lizard followed suit.I spun on my heel and dashed back towards the living room, narrowly avoiding a thrown knife that sunk into the doorway with a dull thunk as I passed it. The lizard was juggling knives and that wasn’t fair!The goat’s hooves skittered across the ground as it turned the corner, losing enough traction that the lizard overtook it on its huge ball.I darted into the bedroom, then ducked behind the door. A moment later the lizard zoomed into the room. “Got you!” I said as I moved out, pulling the door shut behind me and feeling a wave of satisfaction wash over me as it clicked shut.The satisfaction left when a hard head rammed into my tummy and sent me flying.I landed with a roll, coughing for all I was worth as the goat, only visible from the corner of my eye, backed away and stomped a hoof like a bull after a matador.Health 93/110That had taken a chunk out of me. I wasn’t sure if I would be able to stand again, and I had lost my knife somewhere after being punted. Hooves clattering on wood announced the goat’s next charge.I rolled, just barely avoiding the attack that had the zombie slowing down and turning to face me again. “You made one mistake, mister Goat,” I said as I got onto shaky legs. “You left your gate open.”Spinning around, I ran back towards the dining room.The goat followed.When it sounded close I ducked to the side and saw it shoot past me and deeper into the living room. That was my chance! I darted into the dining room, ran to one of the chairs and with both hands on the edge of it, jumped.I landed in a crouch on the edge of the chair and had only just gotten my balance back when the goat rammed one of the legs. The crunch of rotten wood giving way sounded out and the entire platform shook and started to tumble to the side.I ran, gaining some momentum before I jumped and, with an arm over the edge to help me up, managed to roll onto the table then onto my feet.Maddy was standing across from me, something akin to surprise on his skeletal face. “Now what?” I asked him.The goat bleeted angrily below and I heard it move to another chair. It might be able to climb up, which didn’t leave me much time. It was my turn to charge at an adversary. Maddy reached into his hat and pulled out all sorts of hats that he flung at me. Shakos and cowboy hats and police caps. All dodged or batted away until, finally, I was in front of the mad hatter and slapped him hard across the chest.“Clean!” I screamed.Magic, all the magic I had left, poured into the skeleton.I took a couple of steps back, wary and uncertain.Maddy placed his top hat back on, then tipped it to me a moment before he and his hats began to fade into motes of light.Ding! Congratulations, you have wiped three opponents (‘Zombie Viking goat,’ level 2. ‘Zombie Clown lizard,’ level 2. ‘Maddy the Hatter, Skeleton Milliner,’ level 4)! Bonus Exp was granted for cleaning a monster above your level!“Heh, got all of them!” I cheered as Maddy faded away completely. A teacup and kettle landed where he had fallen.Bing Bong! Congratulations, your Cinnamon Bun class has reached level 3!Stamina +10Flexibility +5You have gained: One Class Point“Woo!” I cheered as wonderful little tingles ran up my spine and made me feel light as a feather. I was still tired, the constant fighting and adrenaline taking their toll, but I was also energized by my victory. It was a strange feeling, but one I welcomed.Dungeon Alert:First Floor Boss Defeated. 24 hours until respawn.Second Floor Unlocked.“Even better!”Congratulations! Through repeated actions your Jumping skill has improved and is now eligible for rank up!Rank D is a free rank!JumpingRank D — 00%The Ability to jump. Your reflexes and timing for jumps has increased. You can now jump higher and farther.And the giddiness just grew as more gifts were rained down onto me. I calmed down a moment of two later, my tiredness catching up to me. Seeing that Maddy was just a construct helped a lot.If you encounter this narrative on Amazon, note that it's taken without the author's consent. Report it.I suppose it meant that I could leave and return and fight all of the same monsters again and again. If I recalled books with dungeons though, there would be new tricks and traps next time, and being overconfident could lead to me walking right into a pile of trouble. Also, Maddie’s hats felt... randomly assigned. Maybe I would get a really poor match-up next time.It was probably best that I learn when to quit and when to move on.Next was checking out my loot.An enchanted teacup, newAn enchanted teapot, newNot as handy as my awesome new hat, but they might be valuable. The cup and kettle were both a beige colour, with tiny animals etched into the side. They looked... well, they were tiny zombie animals, but maybe someone that didn’t know would think they were just poorly drawn.I held my prizes close to my chest and started trekking over towards the door when everything wiggled and waved and the world spun. Then, between one blink and the next, I was at the entrance of the level, back to the door that still had Maddy’s sign on it and front facing the drop in the middle of the dungeon.“Oh,” I said. A look down showed my backpack, unceremoniously dumped by my side, and my teacup and pot were both still pressed against my chest. Even my knife was returned to me, left on the ground by my foot. “That was kind. Thank you dungeon!” I said.No response came.I decided that a break was in order and settled down next to the wall with my back to it. Out came the honey jar and a spoon and soon I was lick-licking my way through a tasty and well-earned treat.
Name
Broccoli Bunch
Race
Human (Riftwalker)
First Class
Cinnamon Bun
First Class Level
3
Age
16
Health
110
Stamina
125
Mana
105
Resilience
20
Flexibility
25
Magic
10
Skills
Rank
Cinnamon Bun Skills
Cleaning
C — 76%
Jumping
D — 00%
General Skills
Insight
D — 48%
Makeshift Weapon Proficiency
F — 72%
Archeology
F — 35%
“Hrm, my Cleaning skill is getting close to Rank B. That might be handy. And Jumping is actually pretty nifty. I look forward to getting it up to C to find out what it does! What do you think, mister Menu?” I asked.The box didn’t say anything, but I like to think that it appreciated the attention.Then my eyes alighted on my race and I stared. “Well, that’s new,” I said. Or was it? Had I just not been paying attention last time? Did it matter at all? I was going to have to ask someone the next time I found myself in a more civilised place.I finished up my honey a few minutes later and pulled out a bottle of lukewarm water to sip at, then just kind of sat back and relaxed. I was getting the hang of the adventurer’s life. At least, I hoped I was.The future had so much in store here! I was going to become super strong and respected and I was going to make a ton of friends and one day I’d ride a dragon. I smiled as I leaned my head back against the wall and just let my imagination run wild...A distant whisper of wind startled me awake and I looked around bleary eyed. There wasn’t anyone around, just the huge empty dungeon.I climbed back to my feet, legs kind of ache-y from the way I had been sitting back until I stretched and tried to get my blood flowing again.Health 110/110Stamina 125/125Mana 105/105“At least my nap wasn’t all bed, huh?” I asked my status menu while hiding a grin behind a hand.It must have been shy because it popped away soon after. The poor thing. This time my trip down the mushroom path was as easy as pie. I could feel the difference the rank up had made with my jumping skill. It was so much easier to guess when the exact right moment to land would come up and when and how to bend my knees and shift my weight just so.I landed with a huge smile on my face and skipped over to the second door of the dungeon. It was time to move onto the next part of the adventure!
Chapter Thirteen — Off With Her Head
I stepped into the next room of the dungeon, my eyes roaming across clean stone floors and walls decorated with banners of red and black, each with a different symbol piece on its surface. A heart, a diamond, a club and a spade. The room led to a smaller door that had a sign hanging next to it.Doth not disturbe-By the royal decree of the Queene of Hearts“Well, that’s ominous,” I said. I wasn’t going to knock if they didn’t want to be disturbed, but I doubted just standing around was going to do me any good. I carefully opened the door (the sign didn’t say I couldn’t go in, only that I couldn’t cause a disturbance) and peeked around.It was a courtroom, with balconies along the sides looking down at a box where the guilty could stand. Off to one side of the main floor was a large guillotine and next to that the judge’s platform. The door opened onto the balcony level, where they circled around the entire courtroom. There were people!Well, not people-people. The room was filled with four dozen square people, each one very thin but quite large and dressed in either black or red. I saw spears and swords hanging from hips or standing by their sides. They looked like playing cards with arms and legs and heads sticking out.In the judge’s area below was an ostentatious throne on which a large woman sat, her head covered in an elaborate red wig with a pair of crowns on it with plenty of little hearts. Before her, in the box reserved for the guilty was a younger looking person with the same bodily dimensions. He was unarmed, hands manacled together by large chainsIt didn’t take a genius to figure out what was happening here, the jack was being judged by the queen for having committed some crime.A few of the people turned my way when the door clicked shut behind me. I froze, then waved while smiling sheepishly. They turned back to watch the show.People that didn’t instantly want to kill me!I moved over as quietly as I could and found a spot where I could look over the rails while keeping a few feet’s distance between me and the others.“Sir Jack of Spades,” the queen said in a high-pitched voice like a mom calling a kid that was on the second floor. “You are accused of the crime of grand theft cake. How do you plead?”The Jack of Spades stood up tall and proud. “I plead... not guilty.”“Then you’re a liar then?” the queen asked in the same high tones. She picked up a fan and began waving it towards her face. A face smeared in what looked a lot like cake.“I am not, your Majesty. I am a loyal Jack.”“Then how, pray tell, did my cake go missing. It was by my side, and then it was not. Were you not guarding my person?” she asked.“I was, your majesty, and no one approached you or the royal confectionary.”“Then where, is, my, cake?” the queen asked as she snapped her fan shut and pointed it quite dramatically at the Jack.“Your majesty,” the Jack said. “I suspect you ate it.”A gasp sounded out across the entire courtroom.What? I could see the cake stains all over her face from where I stood. This entire thing was obviously a sham! But then, should I really interfere?“Off! Off with his head!” the queen shouted.“Wait!” I called out.My voice quieted all the murmurs and I suddenly found myself the centre of a whole lot of attention. I swallowed and inspected the nearest person just in case.A Cardstock Man, Three of Hearts, level 2.Not too strong, but there were so many. I couldn’t stand against them. The smart thing to do would be to apologize and stay quiet.The smart thing.But not the right thing.“I think that the Jack of Spades is innocent!” I called.“Innocent? Innocent!” the queen shouted. “Come down here, fool child, and stand before me so that I might see your fool face!”I huffed, screwed up my courage, and leapt off the ledge. I sailed through the air for a couple of long seconds before landing and rolling to bleed off momentum. I got to my feet and stood before the queen.She looked a lot taller from the ground floor with her imposing throne around her. Not that she was tall, all the cardstock people were pretty short, the tallest one was barely as tall as I was.The queen seemed to notice as much. “Ace! Bring out the measuring staff. This interloper seems... tall for this courtroom.”“Is that a problem?” I asked.“The law dictates that none who are taller than the staff of judgement may stand within this room and be suffered to live,” the queen said. “Foolish girl child, you ought to know your place.”I was nervous for a moment as a Cardstock person walked over to me, but when he placed the staff next to me it was clear that I was a few centimeters shorter.The queen’s eyes narrowed, but she nodded and waved the Ace away. “Very well, plead the case of the Jack. Plead it well and perhaps he, and you, shall leave this place unharmed.”“I...” I paused to swallow. I couldn’t just point to her face and say the cake was still there. “Your most majestic of majesties. It is difficult to prove a negative, so I will suggest an alternative sentencing. If the queen has her cake, does the Jack truly deserve to lose his head?”The queen considered that for a moment. “Yes, yes he does, for having taken the cake in the first place.”“Ah, okay then,” I said.“So you’re willing to stand aside and allow this fool to be judged properly?” the queen said, her voice reaching whole new levels of haughty.If you spot this narrative on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.“What if I bring the queen a replacement cake?” I asked.The queen’s eyes lit up. “A replacement, you say.”“Yes, your majesty. A cake unlike any to be found in your hallowed halls.”The queen set aside her fan and picked up a gavel which she banged onto the arm of her throne a few times. “Very well! The court shall recess for one hour! Upon the end of which either a new cake shall be eaten, or you will both be judged as cake thieves of the highest order, and will lose your heads!”I swallowed and shot an insight at the queen.The Cardstock Queen of Hearts, Level 3.Tough. Not as dangerous as Maddy, according to whatever gave things levels, but dangerous all the same. And she had guards and a whole kingdom at her beck and call.“I’ll be back!” I said.This time I took the stairs and shot out of the room, only just picking up my backpack on the way out.My plan was simple, but it relied on a few things that I wasn’t certain about. Notably, that I could return to the courtroom without having to refight the first floor boss Maddy all over again. The mushrooms were a bit tricky, but with my newfound jumping skills I made it up with little trouble. Then it was through the entrance where I found no time-travel bunnies but I did find a plate with a cake on it. A cake with the words Eat-Me written on them.I sniffed the cake, and poked a corner with a pinkie. It was nice and moist still. A cleaning spell took care of my dirty finger for one whole point of mana.A poisoned cake of enlargening.It... wasn’t a deadly poison then. Still... yes, there was a solution there. One that the dungeon has obviously planned with this cake at its centre. It was like a big puzzle! I wondered if there was a similar solution to Maddy’s part of the dungeon that I had just missed.The return trip was a lot harder. Balancing a cake while bouncing around was no easy feat. Still, I made it to the courtroom door and opened it with an elbow, breathing a sigh of relief when it opened without fuss or muss.“What took you so long?” the queen screeched from her royal throne; her fingers were tapping a beat upon the royal arm-rest and she seemed utterly impatient even if it had probably taken me less than ten minutes to go up and come back.“I bring you your royal cake, your majesty,” I said with a careful bow.“Ace,” the queen said.The Ace card, still holding the staff, returned to my side and carefully took the cake. I shifted on the spot, waiting as the Ace brought the cake closer to the queen, then deposited it upon a table brought forth by two numbers.“I’m sorry if this doesn’t work out,” I told the Jack of Spades.The Jack looked at me, then smiled. “You are a brave one, to stand for what is right rather than what is easy. I thank you.”That had warm fuzzies rumbling in my tummy and when I turned to the queen it was with a smile upon my lips.“I will now taste this... cake, and decide on its value. If it is of poor quality, then we shall see about shortening your heads!” The queen dipped a silver fork into the cake, then took a careful bite. She chewed as if thinking, then took another bite. “Ace, bring me the royal milk!”The card person bowed a little then moved off, returning a moment later with a silver platter with a glass cup. The queen pinched it between two fingers and tossed the entire contents down her mouth.I held back a grin. The queen was growing bigger by the moment. “Here’s your chance,” I told the Jack. “Your majesty!” I said. “You’ve eaten too much cake.”“What?!” she said, her attention suddenly all on me. She took another forkful of cake, but had a hard time on account of the fork becoming smaller in her hands. “What is the meaning of this?”“Your greed has made you fat!” I accused, putting a bit of theatricality into it because it was fun. The gasps from the court-viewers had me holding back a giggle. “Look, soon you’ll be too big for this courtroom.”The Ace stepped up and brought the staff next to the queen. She was, indeed, too big for the room, even sitting down she was half a head taller. “What nonsense is this?” she demanded to know.But it was too late. The murmurs in the crowd had turned into suspicion and someone started to raise the large blade of the guillotine with loud squeaks of a pulley. “She is right!” the Jack of Spades said as two other Jacks came to undo his manacles. “The queen has broken the law. Off with her head!”“I cannot break the law, I am the law!” The queen shouted.It was drowned out in a chorus of ‘off with her head!’ and a flood of number cards grabbed the queen and started dragging her ever larger body towards the gallows.I couldn’t watch. I knew that they were all constructs, but the idea of seeing someone’s head just... no, it was too much. The queen’s protests died with the sound of steel slicing through bone and I had to swallow to keep my gorge from rising.Then a ding sounded out and I opened my eyes.Dungeon Alert:Second Floor Boss Defeated. 24 hours until respawn.Dungeon Boss Room Unlocked!I was out in the main shaft of the Dungeon again, the green sky above and the door to the courtroom closed behind me. That... had only taken an hour or so, I judged.Congratulations! Through repeated actions your Insight skill has improved and is now eligible for rank up!Rank C costs one (1) General Point“Ohh, shiny!” I said a moment before a spade landed on my head.
